The dentist and I

(not to be confused with ♫ The Wizard and I ♫)

Today, just as he was about to jam a needle into my gums to numb me up before he drilled my face off, my dentist told me some of his patients have told him they would rather give birth than go to the dentist.

Awesome. Thank you.

And then he had the nerve to ask me if I was nervous.

Okay, seriously, do you think this is my first dental experience?
I only WISH.

I mean, I've never given birth, but I tell you what...I'm a brave kid. I can handle things that make a lot of other kids cry. But seriously? In that very moment, I might have willingly traded my oh so willing drill-master for labor pains and a giant needle in my back.

I also fully reserve the right to retract that statement in the next 10 years or so when I get around to giving birth.

The other thing you should know is that I could brush, floss and rinse 3 times every day AND avoid sugar at all costs (which I almost already do) and I would still have at least two cavities every time I go in for a check-up.

I say this after a lifetime of knowledge. A good many years have been put into this personal research of mine, and even after a pristine cleaning track record any dental hygienist would be proud of, I have yet to ever come away from a dentist appointment with a clean record.

I hate the dentist. But it's not his fault. At least I think it's not his fault.

Sometimes, though, especially when I've been extremely diligent about my oral hygiene, when dear old dentist-man tells me I need my 9 millionth root canal, it always takes every ounce of my self-control to not tell him to go sit in the corner for a few hours without getting paid and think about what he's just told me. Just to make sure he's not telling me LIES.

Also, I don't know why, but I burn through the numb-ness faster than he can ever finish. This means DeeAura gets about four different shots to the face with every side that needs some work. Equals giant headache when he finally IS finished.

* sigh *

I'm just saying this because I just got done with another dentist appointment and I really think it will just never end.

Also, I only had 4 ibuprofen in my purse, and I need muchooooo more.

I guess the plus-side of this moment is that I write to you currently 100% cavity-free.

I do have a cleaning next month, though, so...hey, we'll see.
*grumble*

In addition to all of that, this is the same dentist who used to hit on me and every other female patient while he had his hands in my mouth. There are so many problems with this form of communication...let alone the fact I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible in the first place.

The ever-present question on my mind was the whereabouts of his wedding ring. Once, I even asked to be scheduled with his older, married, father of 4-5 children brother who also works in the same office. Just to have one flirt-free dental session.

I have no problem whatsoever with it if a guy wants to hit on me. Just...please...not while his hands are jammed in my mouth, seeking out opportunities to drill, and my lip/cheek feels four times its actual size.

Lucky for all of us, he got married recently. :) Now he just asks me about my jeans, my shoes, and my purse, and follows it up with "That looks like something my wife would wear."

His wife better be young, hot, and filthy rich.

LJ, I hope you're taking our mission seriously to still find out if she was a patient. I have serious bets on it. Although...I'd say his marriage has greater chances of survival if he was never her dentist.

Ask me why I pay this man money to bring me pain.
I'm a smart girl, but this feels DUMB.
hahahah
...but ask me tomorrow when I've had more ibuprofen.