Needs To Be Kicked.

Mindy, I stole this idea from you, but only for one post. ever. I hope.

Dear boy, 

 

You were mean. And thoughtless. 

And then I was mean. And thoughtless. ...but I didn't really mean to be. 

So if I didn't mean to be...maybe you didn't mean to be either?

* ugh. head in hands. *

I wish you knew how sad it all makes me. I was so frustrated with you! But I wish it could be fixed. 

I just don't know what else to do now. 

You do need to be kicked.

...but I probably do too. 

All I really want is for us to be mutually sorry and we can just move on?

* sigh * 

 Someday, I hope.

Being perfect really would be handy SO often, don't you think? 

Regretfully,

DeeAura

the girl who wishes hindsight were foresight.

Simply BEAUTIFUL.

Driving down the freeway a few weeks ago, I suddenly felt overwhelmed by something to the point of tears. Sometimes change and life is just hard. We all know this. I said a silent prayer, asking for just a little more help...I feel like I'm always asking for just a little more...help, hope, faith...and then it happened. Everything felt warm and light. My tears began to dissipate, and I just soaked it in. The sun was setting, and I had just rounded the bend to be directly in its path. 

I don't know all the answers. In fact, sometimes the only thing I know is...that I know very little. :) But I do believe it's in the little moments that our prayers are answered; when our deepest heartaches and fears are calmed. The span between those moments can make it seem like they're almost insignificant. But I believe they are the ones that matter the very most. 

"We would do well to slow down a little...Focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Strength comes from...paying attention to the divine things that matter most..."

I am grateful for the rain in Nauvoo that early evening, when we just let the rain fall, and let our happiness grow right there in that moment. The smells, the sounds, the love, the sights of that moment will be with me forever.

For the actual golden note on my door that really hard day last fall...with words so inspired and kind, they literally dried my tears.

For the friend who took the time on gmail chat to talk me through what I needed most that day. 

For the true friend who just put his arm around me and told me everything was going to be okay. And I could see on his face and in his eyes that he really believed it and meant it.

For the girl who needed my help, and to whom I couldn't have been more grateful for the opportunity.

For the moment my little brother hugged me...whose strength amazes me...and who remains the sweetest, kindest boy I've ever known in spite of all he's been through.

For a sister who has always loved me no matter what; and to whom I look up to more than I can say. Who takes part in my moments and helps make them lighter by carrying them with me.

For that moment on my balcony, looking out over the lake, when I knew I was more important than that piece of paper.

For the girl who poured her heart out to a room full of people and said exactly what I needed to hear. 

For the guy who made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe in a moment when laughing was the last thing I wanted to do.

For the little boy who lit up as soon as he saw me, and ran to wrap his little arms around ME. 

For the girls who make me laugh, and dry my tears, and pick me up...in countless moments.

For the beautiful sun setting over all of Utah Valley last night as we stood at the top of the Y, erasing the frustrations of the day.

For a million other moments I remember whenever I need them most. 

For the ability to recognize them.

And for a loving Heavenly Father who gives them to me in the first place.

A few words from the experts on marriage: It's what brings us together.

So, this isn't the blind date post. It's coming, but taking more refinement than I initially anticipated. Rather than keep you waiting, I thought I'd drop a few tidbits to keep you coming back for more. 

I've been having a lot of meaningful conversations lately on the topics of marriage, love, and dating. In the realm of my new life of full-disclosure, I just wanted to share a few important insights I've gained lately...

MARRIAGE:

While sitting outside soaking in all the free vitamin D on our lunch break: (a.k.a co-worker confessionals)

"Guys, whenever I think about marriage, it makes my esophagus close."

Commence hysterical laughter. 

LOVE:

While soaking in even more free Vitamin D by the pool: (don't worry, I'm wearing my sunblock.)

On dating the guy who's not quite, but almost:

"No way. If I don't think he can make me laugh clear 'til we're in our jazzies, I'm out."

Quizzical looks. "Jazzies?"

"Guys. Jazzies. They're the motor scooters you ride around in when you're old. Jazzies."

Big grins. "Oh, got it. Jazzies."

laughing is important, after all. commence sunbathing. 

DATING:

"Dee, you should date ____."

"Um, okay. Why?"

"Well, because he's tall."

(My immediate mental retort, complete with Jersey accent, "John Wayne was tall..." but I kept it on the inside. Movie reference points.)

"Oh. eye roll. Good point."

Continue doing whatever we were doing before.

Coming up next: Breakfast with Boyd. That's the name of the blind date story. That's right...it has a title. Has for years. It's that epic. Some of you already know this story, but a request has been made, and we all know I can't keep a willing audience waiting. :) Much like this guy...(who I will love until the day I die. Thank you, JT.)

View on ExposureRoom

Oh, am I rambling? My bad...

I stayed home from work today.Thursday. Long story. Not worth telling. I'll tell you this instead:

Ahem.

Sometimes the things people post on their facebook status is inspiring. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's totally useless information.  You know.

But this is what I woke up to when checking facebook the other morning...talk about deflation: 

(and that'll teach me to check facebook before I study my scriptures...)

"__________was reminded this morning that God did not make Moses a mighty speaker - He gave him a spokesperson. I guess our weaknesses are ours to keep sometimes and the Lord provides other solutions."

Oh rats. That's a terrible idea. I hate facebook. And weaknesses. :) If we're friends on facebook, would you mind just putting something a little more uplifting

Moving on. 

In other news, I have a short story for you. :)

Yeah, it's about a drill. Stop raising your eyebrows. Why else would I have this picture on my blog?

Yesterday, my co-worker walked into my office with an electric drill he doesn't use anymore and asked me if I wanted it. This was per a conversation we had in a meeting over a month ago when he asked me how moving  was going, and I told him I decided I either needed a husband or an electric drill to finish the last few pieces. He laughed. A month later, he gives me his spare electric drill...

Wait. What is the universe telling me?! I don't get it. Who's laughing now?! 

bahah...I am. That's hysterical.

...but only because pushing the button on this electric drill is SO much more fun than I anticipated...

...Ummm...OKAY. My room has a little balcony facing the pool at our apartment complex, and they're playing Celine Dion and Josh Groban at the pool. all day. AGAIN. I'm making them an alternate playlist: now. I would also like to add I mean no disrespect whatsoever to Celine OR Josh. I love them both. It's just...sometimes variety is REALLY NICE. People are going to thank me for the time I plan on putting into this generous offering. I'm thinking even Celine herself would agree with me. Josh might not, but that's just because his hair affects his brain process. Thankfully, it hasn't affect his singing voice. I digress.

I'm addicted to Words with Friends. I love words, and I love spelling. SO much. I almost won the spelling bee in 6th grade. Did you know that? Yeah. I lost on the word scrumptious, and that's ONLY (i repeat) ONLY because I was thinking faster than I spoke in the moment, and I left the "s" off the beginning. That other dumb kid only won by default. KATT. Ugh. Here I am, off the subject again. Pardon me. Words with Friends. 

Dear Adam Tate, I am KILLING everyone else in this game! My score right now is not indicative of your future success. (Cali, it's okay that I tripled your score last time.) Ya hear that, Adam?! I'm getting so frustrated. I get 17 vowels every time, I swear. It's really starting to tick me right off. However, I do feel a little better now I've got that off my chest. Who says games don't bring out the best in people?

Sooo...I hiked the Y the other night for the first time. (I know. 3.5 years of living in Provocity and I just barely did that?) Of course I waited until I moved to Orem before partaking. :) And yes, I meant to make Provocity one word. You say it like atrocity. No coincidence. :)

While on said hike (which I plan on doing time and time again - you should come next time) clear up at the top of the Y, the only sound I heard rising above the noise of all Provocity was the EFY kids down on the campus fields, doing their Wednesday night game cheers. Now that's power. I felt a small swell of pride. :)

Ooooo...One Republic's "Good Life" just came on the iTunes. OH YES. You're gonna need that. I could run to it forever.

FYI: Pinterest.com? Terrible addiction. You should get it. Then we can share stuff. Sharing is good. You're supposed to share: kindergarten rule #1. 

 That's all. :)

 The next post is a story. You'll like it. It's about blind dates. Not commenting on this experience of my life will not actually be possible. Just fyi. 

Sincerely, BYU.

Dear Applicant, 

We regret to inform you...

Yeah, that's about where I stopped reading too. :)

Okay, so grad school is a no-go. AGAIN. I really think I'm just not supposed to do that program. haha. Ahem. Dang it. Just ONCE I'd like to tell BYU NO instead of the other way around. * sigh * Oh well. At least they're paying my bills, right?

But I actually feel 100% good about it. Oddly enough, right? And no, I'm not making that up. I mean...I did stare at the rejection letter for a minute thinking, "Really, BYU? REALLY?" But then I got distracted by the fantastic view of Utah Lake from my balcony and decided I didn't give a flying leap about that dumb 'ol letter, and decided to go running because the sun was shining and it was warm and beautiful outside.

So I did. Because there's a whole lot more to happiness and life than a silly rejection letter could ever ruin. Plus...that opens up a lot of other doors. It closes some for now, sure, but...I'm getting pretty good at punching rejection in the face these days.

Then I remembered this video my friend Karisa sent me the other day. Perfection. On to the next goal(s). Plus...this means no homework in my near future. (excellent idea) Aaaaand: more freedom. I don't know about you, but I feel fine about that aspect!

 

And that's what we get for telling the blog world my goals: haha...I get to tell you when it doesn't work as well. :)

Whatevs. At least I know I'm not alone. It's oddly comforting. 

Death to Ambiguity

Okay, people. #1: I hate not getting comments. It makes me grouchy. Maybe you didn't comment on that last one because you just didn't care about what I had to say. 

I can accept that. It's honest. 

But...geez. You know those times when you're standing in a group of people, and you say something you think is either profound or hilarious, and NO ONE else thinks so? You hear crickets? Was that the last post? 

Virtually, did you hear crickets?

haha, I kid. 

Okay, sort of. 

But mostly: I kid. 

Okay, fine. I thrive on validation. 

I can survive without it...but I'm extra happy when I get it. :)

The end.

Okay, on to today's topic.

I keep secrets. 

dun, dun, dun...

I know. This is coming from the girl who used to just say exactly what she thought. ALWAYS. The girl who eventually learned to bite her tongue. :)

I keep them because sometimes I'm afraid of the feedback. 

Or of the fall-out. 

I keep secrets to protect the things I don't want crushed just quite yet. 

Public success = two enthusiastic thumbs way, waaay up.

Public failure: shrivel. no thanks.

Contemplation on the whys of said introvert behavior when I am very much an extrovert leaves me only to conclude I have a problem with perfection. hahha. That is not to say I am perfect. But I WANT to be perfect. I want the things I do...to be perfect. I appreciate quality, and when I feel like the thing I am trying to do isn't quite at the level of quality/perfection I would like...I want to keep it hidden until it's ready for anybody else to see it. OKAY? Quite frankly, I don't see how most other people in this world are all that different.

* sigh * But okay. I know this is ultimately bad. I haven't always been this way, and I don't always hide. I just do it sometimes. But the thing is...I shouldn't.

Some things just don't allow you to become better at them until you get out there. 

Until you just fall down in front of everyone. Multiple times. You're falling down more than you're up. 

Until you sing loud enough and full enough that you crack (shudder) in front of your entire masterclass. 

Until you really dance full enough that you actually feel how that turn should feel, and you practice enough to be strong enough to carry it through.

Because it's the falling that requires...and therefore ALLOWS you...to get back up again. 

It's the cracking that lets you know that note is going to require a little more breath control or effort, and allows you to try again and fix it the next time. 

It's forgetting your inhibitions that allows you to fully experience the joy accomplishment has to offer. 

But isn't it rude err...extremely enjoyable how the joy of accomplishment is usually only felt after the multiple crushing feelings of embarrassment or failure? That's more like irony. I can't decide what words to use in all this baring of soul. Whatevs.

Sometimes I'll try to express my frustration with waiting for something or failure here. Or on facebook. But I never fully explain what my plans were/are or...whatever. ...Because then I'd have to be vulnerable in yet another way, and sometimes this girl can only take so much vulnerability. So I hide behind ambiguity. :)

Then I get the friends who actually care to know telling me to stop being so shady. :) I don't know why I have so much pride.

HERE: here are the secrets. Okay, some of them. I have to do this slowly, people...

I applied to grad school again this year. Last year they told me no. I decided they were fools. But this past year, I don't know when I would have fit grad school into my life. Of course, now those things (now that I'm being honest: the boy who took up much of my time) are now a thing of the past. While I am grateful to have learned the things I did (better communication, don't let the person who is supposed to love you most put you on the back burner much more than once, etc. I shall not elaborate further.) and experienced the truly good things about him...I am much much happier without him. This was a sad and hard pill to swallow at first, but I just want to thank you, mister, for making me stronger. Does that sound like a Christina Aguilera song?

Haha. Crap. But whatever.

Also, I am much better at running since that fateful break-up night. Just a little sidenote. Currently teetering between "who gives a crap about love" and "I still believe love is real." Running makes it feel more balanced somehow. Don't ask me to explain that.

Point being...it's okay that I didn't get in to grad school last year. Even though the prospect of turning 29 in August and getting that much closer to 30 without...I don't know...having a little more to show for my time (?) sort of freaks me out to the nth degree...and the fact I can't quite seem to get there even with the willing guys who have tried since then, and I just can't DO it yet...I've GOT this, kids.

It's just that I remember when my mom turned 30. Uhm...she was married and had at least 3 kids. I was eight years old. So as a young girl, completely unaware of the prospects of the life ahead of me, that's about where I thought I'd be. It's a little scary to not be at about the same place and not anywhere close to where my mom was, but...then again...

Life is different for everybody, right? Uh-huh. Check, Dee. Good one.

So I'm back on the life-track list that keeps haunting me, but it's never actually time for those things yet. I keep going back to Heavenly Father and saying..."Uhm...now is it time? Time for ____? I tried the other thing I thought maybe felt right, and well...you saw how that turned out, so...because I'm sort of running out of ideas, here's this thing? What do you think? Or...wanna help if I'm missing something big here?" Here. These are the current hauntings:

1. Grad school. Because I love learning, and I always kind of wanted a master's degree. But I need to keep working. So BYU's EMPA program seems perfect. I work there. They will pay my tuition. This keeps my school debt from swallowing me whole, AND...well, it's one more rung on the ladder of my personal ambitions. I just can't get it to work completely. Some years it just didn't feel right. Last year I felt like I should apply, but the second I hit the "SUBMIT" button on my application, I knew I wasn't getting in that year. Great timing, right? So that rejection letter wasn't a surprise at all. But I knew the road hadn't ended yet. Explain that one, please. So I applied again this year. Despite the previous rejection. At least I know I can take it again if they say no, right? :)


2. Tabernacle Choir. That one's hard to say out loud because of my perfectionist problem I already mentioned. 5 years ago I was 100% vocally and musically ready for that kind of audition. Sadly, since those 5 years, I have done very little with music because my whole life changed and that had to get put on the back burner. It just did. But it's still something that's always begging to come back out of the corner I so neatly stacked it in. My sophomore music advisor's words keep coming back to haunt me, "You'll come back, DeeAura. But go out and get the other things you want in the meantime." Rats. I cried because I knew she was right. I need music back in my life in a big way. It's a part of me, and I hate when I realize people I've known for years don't really know that about me...and it's my own fault.

3. These things probably cannot co-exist without much heavenly assistance and life rearranging. So June 30th when I find out about my grad school acceptance or rejection...then Tabernacle Choir auditions start July 1st and go for one month. But then let's say I do grad school: it's on Thursday nights for 3 years. If I somehow miraculously gather up all my musical-ness I left behind a while ago and manage to make it into that beautiful choir: rehearsals are on Thursday nights. I would have to defer grad school for another year, when classes would be on Wednesday nights for 3 years. Then I would be in Salt Lake for four days out of the seven every week, but I'd still work in Provo. Holy no time for a life, right? As I will be like...33 by the time I finish my degree in this scenario, the prospect of having no life in the meantime...well, that takes me back to freaking out in the nth degree.

COULD I JUST BE THE GIRL THAT DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MARRIAGE AND BABIES? Clearly God has other plans for my life, so I'm trying to be a good little girl and go with it, but SHEESH. Enough with the emotional trauma already. Even I'm sick of it. :)

4. I need a raise. Or else a different job. I can't do all of this on my piddly salary I have somehow managed to acquire in my very professional life. I love my job. It is completely fulfilling in most ways. There are way too many hoops to jump through at BYU (sorry, but it's true) and I'm starting to get really grouchy about it. So it's either grad school and then the different job, or...the abysmal alternative of job hunting again.

5. Something has to change. And soon. And all of that: is why.

Better? Great. I still think that all should stay in my journal. But there you have it.

just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
- anonymous

Uh-huh. Right.

LIVE your stories.

Oh, hey.

So...my job allows me to meet hundreds, even thousands of incredible new people every year. Each one of them teaches me something valuable and new. This past April at a training, I started talking to one of them. She's an incredible woman who has already done so many COOL things with her life, including being an awesome wife and mother. She asked how certain things were going in my life, and that spurred the conversation I usually dreaded with all these people (even though I just love them and know they mean well.)

"So. Tell me about your dating life." 

Well, with some people I gave the surface-level response of, "Oh, it's going fine. :) How's your family?" and I could usually avoid any deeper interrogation on the subject. 

But with other people, I allow the truth to come a little closer to the surface. 

She was one of those people.

So we talked. I talked to her because I generally like her perspective on all things we've ever discussed. (Which hasn't been a lot, really, but everything we've ever talked about I come away feeling like I can just breathe better.)

Goal: I want to be like that for other people.

She asked questions, she listened. We exchanged gospel applications to situations that seemed bleak, she told me similar dating stories she had before she got married and I started to feel a little better. It didn't change anything except the load felt a little lighter. We even laughed about a few things. The whole conversation took maybe 15 minutes, but it just made me feel better, you know?

And then this was her parting comment to me. I'll never forget it. In fact, as soon as we finished talking, I darted away from the hubbub of work for two seconds to hunt down my "scripture journal" that I always keep with me somewhere, and wrote down what she said: so I wouldn't forget it. :)

"LIVE your stories! Our lives are made up of a hundred stories...we HAVE to live them, or we'll miss them. Don't worry about the hard parts. Just go out and keep getting yourself some good stories." 

And then she hugged me and I wanted to cry and simultaneously leap for joy. She was an answer to prayer, and an almost literal breath of fresh air. I'm so grateful for people who take the time to really ask and really listen and then leave people better than they found them.

Just a few other people who make a bigger difference in my life than they probably realize...more on that later.

We make a bigger difference on each other than we usually realize. And we all have a hundred stories. If I look at my life like that...it gets a WHOLE lot more interesting...not to mention more fun. :)

Also, if you want to see how ultimately cool she is, you should check her out HERE. Some of you probably know her. And if you do...you know what I mean. Super great.