The view from here...

"Every time you give your all, your capacity INCREASES." 

That was from rehearsal last Saturday for "Savior of the World." Our music director said that as she was encouraging us to give more, and go beyond our own boundaries. That idea had never occurred to me in matters of the heart, or the spirit. In exercise or physical endurance? Sure. But when it comes to how much I have to give? I'd never put it into exactly those words, but I'm so grateful SHE did because it goes right along with the overriding theme of my brain these days, which is basically: Don't ever hold back, don't ever let something stop you from being you, from expressing your talents, from becoming more, from fulfilling every aspect of who you are, who you want to be, and where you feel directed to go. Clearly the italics indicate a stream of my thoughts... :)

There are a lot of things I don't know, a lot I don't understand. But I do know that eventually things fall into place, albeit for a season, until they get scrambled up again. :) But this new song from Hilary Weeks just made me really appreciate so much more the troubles we go through because, as she says,

"Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view."

Listen to those lyrics. I think she found them in my journal from the past few months. :) Sometimes I think I really do have a great plan, and I take it to my Heavenly Father, and I go forward, sure He will see my wisdom in my well-thought out plans. :) Sometimes those plans work out, but more often than not, it requires some upside-down-ing of my life for me to finally understand what a loving God has been trying to tell me all along: that He has a perfect; a beautiful plan all in store for me, and I just need to be 100% more trusting of that which I cannot see, and know that HE...can. :)

Then there's this guy in the video below...the other thing I need reminders about sometimes is that EVERY effort is worthwhile. One of my favorite quotes is from Neal A. Maxwell:  

"Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest on reciprocity."

AH! I love that, and even better...I think I finally believe it. No matter what we're doing, be it big or small, all our efforts matter to the Lord. Love is never wasted, and neither are our efforts. Change your major a million times if you have to. No education is truly wasted. Experience dozens of "failed" relationships: they are NOT for naught. :) The point is that we're learning, that we're serving, and we're growing. It is not necessarily in the immediate happy ending, or in the exact fulfillment of our dreams. You can make every second of anything you do: count. 

And that's what I love about his message: "rescuing" her shoes seemed so little in his mind, until he found out much later how much that simple, random act actually meant to her. So in that sense, our efforts in anything in life, be it grand or minute...it's all for good if we'll let it be so. 

So, with that said: in case you hadn't heard on crazy facebook, or through the grapevine:

I made it. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir said yes.

And in that moment, with that letter of congratulations in my hand, struggling to overcome the dumbfounded awe I felt flooding over me, I had to look heavenward and say thank you. I had to acknowledge that He clearly knows better than I do. 

Grad school was a no. That was rough.

Still on the job hunt.

And that whole best friend for the rest of my life and forevermore hunt. That one.

But this one finally kicked in: one of the things on my "list" of things I knew I needed to do/change.

That's the one that worked.

And I'll tell you this much: it's NOT because I'm amazing. It's because my Heavenly Father expects far more of me than I generally expect of myself, and without fail: whenever I rise to the occasion, he helps me see the incredible view I could never have seen without His help. I would have been content with a cottage in the glen, but He keeps making me climb all these crazy mountains. :)

So, as the song says,

"Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view."

It's for real. 

I love this view. :)

He knows much better, so trust Him.

NBD: 2011

So, last Friday, my boss asked me a very important question.

"DeeAura, where do you think I can find a good deal on garden gnomes?"

Inward laughter: commence. Good question, sir...but out loud, I respond,

"Hmm...maybe Hobby Lobby? But I'll look into it and get back to you on that."

This really actually is related to work, even though it sounds like I work in a nut house. I don't....think I do. :)

Then I got to work this morning, and realized it was National Boss Day yesterday. 

My favorite holiday of the year. Literally. Better than Christmas.

Because...in my mind? It includes pranks AND appreciation.

GIANT GRIN.

I had little time and even fewer resources at my disposal. 

aka: 45 minutes. Printer. Marker. Butcher paper. Google.

 Oh, and tape. 

Lots and lots of tape.

I would be remiss if I did not give proper acknowledgement to Michelle, Jordyn, and Karisa for their skills with paper and scissors. Kindergarten did us good today.

Jenny Brooks, your skills were missed.

(Ode to NBD 2010: last year we wrapped everything in his office in butcher paper. from pencils to computer screen, from chair to  books. it was epic. I have pictures. Sadly, this is the only one I have at my disposal...and this was after I naively took a lunch break on said day. Dang Karma...it was HILARIOUS.)

But I digress. 2010: over. Back to 2011. The present day.

I should also thank the shipping guys. ...who usually just creep in on my life from the tops of the cubicle most of the day, and who today told me my office smells like maple. Literally: as they were sniffing the actual cubicle walls. 

I do not smell maple. 

They are on crack.

Not really: but...really...

Anyway, they provided the packing peanuts...which are REALLY fun to spill out over large spaces, btw.

I think his exact words were something like, 

"I'm going to have nightmares all night tonight."

But he laughed. And took pictures.

mission: accomplished.

...and now I'm cleaning up the packing peanuts because my guilt might kill me if I leave it for custodial...

***Ahem. Err...my friend Heather just brought a blunder to my attention. Doh. I admit to thinking I'm a year ahead of where we actually are due to work. We're always working a year ahead. Consequently: I FREQUENTLY write 2012 when it's really 2011, and so on. One time, I even called my bank in a panic, wondering why they hadn't sent me my new debit card that had already expired that month...and in the middle of the phone call, I realized I thought I was a year ahead of where I actually am. Hazards of the occupation. DANG IT.

Sappy songs at 4:56 p.m.

When I was 9 years old, my mom took me to see the BYU Young Ambassadors in their show at the Promised Valley Playhouse, called "Celebrating the Light." I should probably tell you it changed my life in a lot of ways. It strengthened my testimony, and it lit a fire in my soul for performing. It's really old. :)

I remember sitting there as a little 9-year-old girl, vowing to myself that I would one day be one of those girls up on that stage, singing songs, dancing, and just inspiring people through talents and testimony. I just knew it was my life's calling. I confess I knew that entire show, verbatim, within a week of first seeing it. I can still do a one-woman show of the whole thing. I'm that good. You're gonna need to listen to this ENTIRE song to fully appreciate my gifts:

It'll probably help if you picture me singing it. Actions and all. Try not to attack me as I live my normal life, okay? The most hilarious part is this song has become somewhat of a metaphor for my life. But it's JUST corny enough to still be funny. :)

So...okay. Here I sit 19 years later, writing this, and I have one confession: I never became a Young Ambassador. gasp. Haha. (Though, we could make a joke or two about Heavenly Father's mean sense of humor as I dated a YA once upon a time, but we won't do that. Let's just say I think it's highly entertaining if I look at it through those lenses.) I never even went to BYU.

But wanna know something else? I still did what that little 9-year-old girl wanted so badly to do. I didn't do it in the way I thought I was going to...but I did it, and Heavenly Father had a hand in every piece of it.

I had a mother who kept pushing me to do more with music, who provided me with opportunities for lessons and encouraged me every time I was too scared to try out for something...or who helped me past my perfectionist mode that threatened to stop me when my level of imperfection was more than enough to get the part.

I had a high school choir teacher who helped me get the courage to sing in front of people, and who was my biggest fan as I auditioned for my college vocal scholarship; which I totally got, by the way.

My piano teacher was a valued friend and accompanist who acted as another cheerleader most every time I sang until I was 19.

I had professors who saw in me what I was still trying to develop, and who helped me get there. I had choir directors in college who blessed me with their musical talents and knowledge. I've made so many friends with similar goals along the way and we've somehow stayed in touch...probably mostly because of that common love. I've gone more places than I can count, performed in more venues than I can remember, and shared my testimony through music in more ways than I even imagined I would be able to. I had more opportunities placed in my path than my vision at 9 years old could even fathom.

Looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way. Except...if I could perform the song above for a sold out crowd, I'd probably do it. You understand, I'm sure.

Thank you, Michael McLean, for...everything...well, except for when you speak-sing. That's actually a terrible career choice and you should probably re-think it. So anyway.

I have a point.

My final Tabernacle Choir Audition was yesterday. 4:56 p.m., folks. And they mean it when they're that precise. The audition wasn't perfect; I'd hesitate to even say it was my best...because it totally wasn't. BUT: it's done. It's back in the hands of the one who's had the final say all along anyway, so I really am not worried.

What will be, will be. :) I really do feel peaceful about it as of this morning. Of course, all day yesterday I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to not go through with it. But the almost steady stream of texts and emails from friends and family who remembered actually was just enough sanity to tip the scales in my favor. At least so I didn't lose my lunch. :)

No matter what happens now, or in the future, I have a whole slew of suckers who actually believe in me, and it helps me believe in myself. (cue sappy tears.)

So thanks. :) 

(cue sappy, swelling music...I'm about to burst into the chorus.)

Crash into me

Dave Matthews is a terrible soundtrack to this experience, but I'm too tired to think of a better opening act, so please, let's not additionally judge my choice in music.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, DeeAura went on what should have been a normal, no drama, run-of-the-mill, blind date. 

I know.

Date picks DeeAura up. 

Date is nice: check.

We go to date's car, get in, make small talk on the way to specific date activity.

Arrive at destination, search for parking spot...driving around, driving around...

The car in front of us stops to let some pedestrians cross. There's no stop light, but considering we're on a college campus, there are a plethora of crosswalks without light controls. We stop behind car in front of us, small talk again for another two seconds while pedestrians cross, when,

BAM

The next thing I remember is the immediate pain in my lower back...like a big iron fist intended on shattering my back...and simultaneously staring in shock at my date as we realize the front half of his car is basically underneath the car in front of us. 

"You okay?" he asks me. 

"I...think so...are you?" 

He nods, and we both carefully proceeded to get out of the car. 

Upon surveying the scene, a hysterical woman about my own age rushes out of the car behind us (her car was pretty banged up as well, and I notice my date's car looks something like an orange accordion.) 

Yeesh.

She had just looked back for a split second to change lanes, had no reaction time, no brake time, and hit us before she had time to get over. Her two little daughters were screaming and crying in the back seat.

So, while my incredibly calm date talked with the police officer and the other driver, I could see this poor mother was trying to calm her two little girls so she could go talk to the officer as well. They were climbing all over her, and she could barely stand because she was also clearly in shock.

I did the only thing I could even think of doing, and went over, told her my name, and asked her if I could help with her girls. It was pretty cold outside, and a little drizzly, and I noticed her girls didn't have coats on, so I asked her if they had any in the car. She was crying, and nodded, so I carefully went over to her wrecked car, making sure no other cars were coming, and dug around for diaper bags, purses, and coats. I grabbed everything I could, and rushed back over to the sidewalk, where the three of them sat huddled on the ground.  I felt so bad for her - yes, the accident was her "fault" but I couldn't help but just feel terrible for this mother and her two little girls. Little 3-year-old Hannah was brave enough to come to me while her mother unsuccessfully tried to calm Hanna's nearly 1-year-old little sister. Hannah had been so scared in the hulabaloo of it all that her red sucker was completely tangled and stuck in her perfectly curly blonde hair. So I sat down on the sidewalk with her in my lap and talked to her while I carefully picked the sucker out of her hair. She was so brave and so teary-eyed it just made ME want to cry.

It was about two seconds after we managed to untangle her pretty hair from that big red sucker that I suddenly noticed how uncomfortable I was. I was just sitting on the sidewalk, but it still felt like that iron fist was lodged in my back and pain was shooting up my neck.

Great. But at the time there wasn't much to be done about me because there was just too much going on. So I just kept switching positions and trying to keep little Hannah distracted from what I could tell was scary for her.

Anyway - about two hours later, we finally finished with the police officer, and everyone was frozen. Okay, I was. I was freezing cold, in major pain, and just wanted to go home and die in my bed. With some hot chocolate, a heating pad, my sweats, and Gilmore Girls. Yes, that's my comfort entertainment. :)

But my poor date had bought tickets for the local homecoming spectacular and we had about 20 minutes left until it was over. So we walked over and watched the rest. It really was spectacular, despite the judging concertgoers all around us who I'm sure couldn't figure out why we had even bothered coming at all.

Guh. :) After it was over, I still just wanted to go home, but we had no car. So we walked about 20 minutes to his old roommate's apartment and waited for one of them to get home so he could borrow their car to take me home. I offered to call someone I knew to come pick us up, but...I think there's something about guys and needing to be the man in this kind of situation? So, I didn't push it.

But I was tired. And endlessly cold. And eternally uncomfortable from the pain in my back. BUT it all turned out fine. I felt so bad for him. His car was more than likely totaled. I don't see many people driving accordions around these days, and I assume that's because  they're not safe. He'd planned a great date that clearly hadn't happened, and he was now stuck an hour from his own home, with a girl he didn't know at all. Small talk doesn't really bring people together all that much, and I think we were both just ready to be done with the night.

It wasn't until I walked in my front door that night, and turned to my roommates who were waiting up on the couches in our front room that I just wanted to crumble and not move for...ever.

I slept better that night than I have in ages, and when I woke up for rehearsal the next morning, I thought for one glorious second that it was all gone, and just a bad memory.

Uh, except then I tried to move, only to discover Mr. Angry Iron Fist (he gets a name for his presence in my life) was still out to play. I couldn't move. I mean, I could, but golly did it hurt.

So I moved around like an 80-year-old woman for the next day or so, and now I'm switching from standing up to sitting down in my chair at work. I'm thinking one of those stand-up desks would really come in handy right about now...

But the good news is, it feels less angry every day. I still should probably make a legit appointment and go get everything checked out.

I swear I'll do that after I get through that Tuesday audition I have coming up. I can only think about so many things at once, you know...

So that's the end of the story. I think the only blind date I've ever heard of with slightly more drama attached to it was when my roommate called me one time to tell me HER blind date had just been arrested, and she had to go drive his car somewhere so he'd have a ride when he posted bail.

At least my date had no outstanding warrants for his arrest. To his credit, he kept a cool head the entire time. Yours truly would've been in tears. :)

Chalk one more up to my tangled web of a dating life. Over and OUT.

Gold Flecks of Thursday

"Great things are wrought through simple and small things. Like the small flecks of gold that accumulate over time into a large treasure, our small and simple acts...will accumulate into a life filled with love for Heavenly Father, devotion to the work of the Lord Jesus Christ, and a sense of peace and joy each time we reach out to one another."  

- Elder M. Russell Ballard

Well, I passed the test. :)

I have my final Tabernacle Choir Audition next Tuesday. I had to say it somewhere, and since I'm a little bit nervous, saying it here is a little less like shouting it from the rooftops than, say, facebook would be. :)

I'll shout it from the rooftops when I'm in for sure.

But I'm just saying it here for now, from the comfort of my little blog...it's next Tuesday.

That is all.

I'm excited, feeling particularly humbled (this is nice and uncomfortable), and only marginally nervous. Mostly I'm just happy to have the opportunity. 

And I really 100% mean that.

• Ahem. Also, there's snow on the mountains. This is slightly premature, but also exciting because I own a snowboard.

• This is simultaneously not cool because I still haven't driven the Alpine Loop, and it's only the beginning of October. Dearest Utah, I know you change seasons in...a day...but couldn't you have waited another couple weeks?  Okaaay. I will just drive up there the first day it's not dreary. :)

• I read my scriptures in my room this morning with the blinds open to the gray, rainy morning and to the light of a single lamp in my room while I was all wrapped up in my warm blanket. Not only was it the coziest moment ever (I was only missing some hot apple cider to complete the moment) but I love that opportunity to feel the spirit first thing in the morning. It just makes the whole day seem warmer and brighter. :) 

• I love that feeling of coming home from work and going straight to work out. I can get rid of the stress of work, and forget about everything else. Then I shall have my hot apple cider...or the favorite Bengal Spice herbal tea. Whichever one currently suits my fancy. :)

• I have a blind date tomorrow, and he seems: NICE. And normal and kind. And that will be refreshing. 

• My roommate made taco soup and cornbread last night, and when I walked in the house after a long rainy day at my grandpa's funeral, it just felt warm and happy and welcoming. Bless her. :) The best part about that soup is that there were leftovers for lunch today, and: yep. Once again, makes me HAPPY! 

Did I mention next Tuesday? I feel like I'm on the edge of my life about to change. Possibly premature, but sort of comforting the same way fall or warm soup on a rainy day or drinking hot apple cider feels.

It is better to look up!

"Believe in God; believe that He is...believe that He has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth."

-Mosiah 4:9

I went on a much-needed run after conference on Saturday this past weekend. I had really been looking forward to that incredible re-fueled feeling conference always brings to my spirit and to my life, and even just from Saturday's talks, I had not been found wanting. General Conference just renews my energy and improves my perspective.

The run was beautiful - the canyon is slowing turning to shades of gold, and nothing could be more perfect to me. My roommate Tania came with me, and maybe because we had so much on our minds, the run turned to more of a long, long walk interspersed with periods of running as we talked about all the things we'd learned, and what we were feeling. I am so grateful for the friends I have in my life whose testimony and experiences allow us to learn more from each other, and to be able to find more strength and clarity to keep moving forward. I always learn so much more about my testimony and about my Heavenly Father's love for me as I talk about it or write about it. This time was no exception.

It was on that beautiful run in the fall colors of the canyon that I recognized the fulfillment of a promise my Heavenly Father had made to me. I recognized once again His hand in my life, and how much He truly does help us - especially when we ask.

Back in January, after receiving a priesthood blessing from a friend as I was just beginning to go through a particularly difficult learning experience, I was reminded that I needed to pick up my own personal goals again, and to trust that Heavenly Father had MUCH more in store for me. But I was so afraid. I was heartbroken, and I felt I had nothing left to give. This wasn't true, but that was how I felt ten months ago. I also knew, however, that the promise was true: I DID have much more to give, and I needed to find a way to get over my fears and just move forward, trusting in God.

So I asked Him for help. I told him the things I felt I needed to do; and many of them were things I felt He wanted me to do, but I didn't really understand how to do them. They would change most of my life as it currently sat, and I already felt like everything was changing: could I handle the load? I knew I could with His help; somehow.

The months have passed by, sometimes feeling slow, but as I look back to January from here, the time has flown by. As I was pouring my heart out on that run, I suddenly realized my Heavenly Father had answered my prayers. He had heard my plea for strength and courage. He had healed my broken heart. He had helped me find all the little turns along the way to where I am now. He had given me the courage to do the things I felt I needed to do, and helped me sort out the most important things from the options. I now had a much clearer vision of where I was going, and on whom I could truly rely. I knew He had answered my prayer from that January afternoon, and the most overwhelming feeling of love seemed to wash over me, to tell me He that as blessed and amazed as I felt in that October moment, He still wasn't done blessing me or helping me find the way to happiness. It has been around me every step of the way.


The worlds of Elder Carl B. Cook's talk that very afternoon kept running through my mind, and just seemed to brighten everything around me. "It is better to look up." It really is. Though I experienced moments of looking down, and still will all throughout my life, at least I know the beauty and burden-lifting feeling of truly looking up. Believing God, that He is, and that He knows...ALL things.

And most importantly, that He loves me. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the best, happiest, most glorious gift I have been given in my life, and it is likewise the best thing I have to give. The love of our Heavenly Father magnifies ALL the goodness in our lives, and can erase the pain of this life, if we will only let it.

Look up. The happiest message I heard all weekend. :) I could listen to this talk over and over and over again...