"Dating" take 7 million.

Okay. Quickly. Remember all the hype a few years about "Dating versus Hanging Out?" And now everyone can't stop talking about "He's just not that into you?" I confess, I've read the first one, but haven't touched the second one. Yet. Mostly because I've heard so much about it, I practically have it spilling out my ears.

Let's go back to DeeAura's summer of 2006. Extremely busy summer. I worked efy every single blasted week, didn't hardly get any sleep, my little sister got married...and so on. I was experiencing the same thing that happened to me every summer I worked efy: regroup and re-evaluate my life.

Anyway - the biggest thing that came out of that summer for me was "no hanging out." I was listening to one particular session director one Sunday night, and he was really going to town with this issue. I don't know why this, of all the things I learned that summer, was the major thing, but it was. As I was sitting there paying attention, I started thinking about my life; dating life, in particular.

1. I had a plethora of male friends. Love it. Love them. But I'd always had this problem: I was always the "really good" friend. Really. Always.
2. I was the girl boys come to when they really need something. (eg: helping them shop for clothes only to find out mid-shopping that it was for a hot date with some girl they barely knew. ugh.)
   
3. I was the one who would stop/rearrange my life for my friends. I would do this for the girls and guys alike, but since I clearly only date the boys, doing this for girls is an entirely different issue.
4. Parents always love me. I don't know why. (With the uncomfortable exception of one. She was a fluke. I've mulled it over countless times and simply cannot explain her.) I secretly dread meeting the parents; not because I'm afraid they won't like me, but because the boy freaks out every. single. time. It's all fun and games 'til your mom loves the girl you're dating, I guess. (Seems incredibly backwards to me, but clearly I do not have all the answers.)

And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I had a million guy friends, but hardly any dates. (And I know I'm not the only girl like this.) We could hang out in big groups laughing til we cried until 2 a.m., but when it came time for a date...do I really have to spell it out? I think you get the picture. But the bottom line? It was partly my own fault! WHAT?

This is not to say I never had dates. I did. But the ratio of hanging out with my million guy friends vs. actually going on dates with them was a staggering and sickly figure.

Anyway. Whatever. I decided to really give it a shot. Put my foot down, and leave it there. See what changed, or what happened.

It was a little hard, a little weird, and a little scary at first, but after explaining it a couple zillion times to a few particular guys, they seemed to get it. (after they were surprisingly mad. weird.) I started dating someone I'd met that summer, and actually experienced quite a reaction from a few of my "guy friends" at the news that I actually had a *gasp* boyfriend. I can't even tell you how many "he's not good enough for you" talks these boys gave me. Up until that point, they'd always been able to call me last minute, etc. All of a sudden, they actually had to work harder. Remember me? The friend girl? Oh, wait. Not anymore.

Deep breaths here. Anyway, skipping over all the gory details of that particular year, I don't think I could necessarily say I have more dating success. In fact, I ended up moving away from all those friends to a completely new environment and dating game. BUT I feel a million times better about all things "dating." Even though it doesn't seem like that should make any sense whatsoever if you're only looking at the "numbers." :)

Plus, I can't really blame guys entirely. I'm picky. Always have been, and probably always will be. But I'm picky about myself, too, so no one needs to feel...picked on or anything. (* snicker *) Somehow, I've always known what I was looking for, but I very rarely find it. Or maybe the truth is that I just haven't found it yet. This doesn't mean I'm looking for the perfect guy. Potential, people. Potential.

I'm open-minded about dating, (i think, i hope) but if I know I'm not interested or it's not going to go anywhere, I'm pretty clear about it pretty quickly. I'm not the "going for free dinner" kind of girl, and I just can't swallow going out on a date with someone who can't even pick up the phone to call me. aka: text. Maybe I should be, but I'm just not. End of story. I expect the same thing of guys. If I feel like they're messing around, I'll tell 'em and get out. If I was wrong, I'm open to the explanation.
The last thing I have to say about all of this is that I get so tired of the other result of the popular propaganda on this subject...every time I hear the resulting somewhat-negative banter, my head is screaming some version of the following:

1. Girls, every guy you have ever met is actually not a jerk. (some are, yes, but it's not a general rule. same goes for girls, guys.)
   
2. Remember guys are human, too. Girls do thoughtless things to guys just like guys do thoughtless things to girls. It's not always on purpose. Just because you get your ego bruised doesn't mean you can go around spewing your anger all over the opposite sex.
3. That goes for guys and girls. I include myself in these reminders.
4. I think dating can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're expecting every guy to be a jerk, then every guy you date will be a jerk; even if it's only in your head. And guys, if you think every girl is just out to screw you over, then hey, guess what. She will. Once again, even if it's only in your own version of the story. You get what you expect to get. 99.9% of the time. The exceptions are not the rule.
5. Also, just because you want someone to be the "one" doesn't make them so. Accept the negative answer, however stinging it might be, and move on. It'll eventually be okay.
   
6. I don't think dating/relationship success lies in how many dates you have, or even if you end up getting married to that person. I think success here lies in what kind of person you turn out to be because of the people you've dated - or maybe in spite of them. I think the impression others have of you afterward says quite a lot about your "success."
7. P.S. relationships take work, people. work!
   

Okay, I'm done. I can't even begin to say I know all the answers; I can't even say I know, without a doubt, that I'm really right about everything I just said. *shrugging my shoulders* Take it or leave it, I guess. Until take 7 million and 1.

A quick summary:

I have the most thoughtful, talented, smart, wonderful grandpa of all grandparents anywhere ever. No arguments. He made me this beautiful wood carving of my favorite scripture...oh, it's so much better than words! He put all these incredible details into it. I've wanted to do something with this scripture for my room for quite a while now...over a year, actually, but was just looking for the coolest way to do it. He surprised me with it this past weekend, and I really had the hardest time not crying! What a work of love, don't you think?? I had no idea he'd been working on it. My grandma, sister, and my mom were all in on it, too. But my grandpa did all the work. I really think it's the most beautiful, meaningful thing I own. I love it!! Thanks, Grandpa!!! :) (P.S. That picture on the left of it is totally a picture of me that was taken when I was in Nauvoo that he turned into a carving. No arguments. My grandpa rocks.)

LOST.

I freaking love this show. LOVE. IT. Augh!

And last, but not least, I keep forgetting to put this picture up. Two weekends ago, the roommates and I went to the Draper, Utah Temple open house. It was beautiful, of course. :) On the bus on the way up from the stake center, we made friends with a darling little 13-year-old boy after Aubs "accidentally" (okay, it was really an accident) took a picture of him. Aw, he was funny. :) And I think my favorite line of the whole night came straight from the lips of Dani Jorgensen: "I think it'll be weird" which then resulted in the kind, picture-taking stranger saying, "It's a little bright behind you because of Jesus...do you want me to take it again?" I might have laughed had it not been perceived as slightly inappropriate...(see group picture below so you know I'm actually being funny.) :) Also, I found my new favorite painting. They had it displayed again outside the temple, so clearly, that's how I got a picture of it. :)

Long. Gone.

Gulp.  Okay.  I did it.  My hair was almost to the middle of my back, and I got sick of it and chopped it off.  I don't think my hair has been this short in years.  (Although there was this one time my freshman year at Ricks when I chopped it even shorter...ack.  worst. idea. ever.  Never again!)  I kept going back and forth between "I should cut it.  I want to cut it." to "NO!  Don't cut it!  It's long!  Keep it!"  I finally got sick of my own decision-making issues and just *did* it.  

I like it.  

(I think!)  

No, I do!  

It's just different.  

This is me.  Having inner turmoil with a decision about my hair.  For crying out loud, DeeAura! 

Ahem.  Please pardon these moments inside my brain.  They are thrilling, I know.  :)

Eh?  It's okay?  Not that any opposing arguments will do any good now...change is good!  What's done is done.  No before and after pictures, sorry.  It was all I could do to not freak out in the salon.  (I know.  Shutting up.  Cry me a river.  It's just hair.)  

Okay, that's all.  A whole post about my hair.  But it's Valentines Day.  Yipee!!!  Trust me, this post was much more interesting than the post I'm not writing about V-Day 2009.  Because all I did was cut my hair.  Which is great, right?  Productive.  Okay, I also went grocery shopping and started the dishwasher.  One, two, three productive things.  :)  Oops.  Just wrote about it. 

Hey.  It's Saturday.  This is when I do these things.  :)  Now I'm going to watch Roswell. No, I'm not in to aliens...unless they come in the forms of either Jason Behr or Brendan Fehr.  Then I'm absolutely in for the long haul.  :)  Happy V-Day to ME.  :)

Oh.  And you.  :)

(I would like to apologize for my incessant use of smiley-faces.  I hate that I put so many in sometimes.  I tried to resolve to cut down on them.  "Tried" being the key word there...)

They call each other "babycake"

 

I like these two.  They're getting married.  That's all.

The cool Tuesday find.

She's cool. Trust me. The Crayola song takes me back to "Poetry and a Beverage" days at good 'ol Utah State. (Though she is admittedly cooler than the average joe to usually show up there..) I could jam to this girl all day. Way to go, Kristin. Two enthusiastic thumbs waaaay up. Look her up kids. If nothing else, it's something new to listen to even for a minute.

And I have things that actually pertain to my life to blog about. Buuuut I just haven't done it yet. Soon! :)

A spot in the shade, a ray of light, and grasping at the wisdom to know the difference.

I'd like to take something back I've said over and over again in my life. Well, I'll take all of them back with the exception of the first time I ever said it. That was the only time the statement had a smidgen of integrity to its credit.

"I don't know why bad things happen."

That's a stupid comment. Of course I know why. I've also heard it said, and said it myself: "Crap happens." Uh, okay, yes it does, but...in my world where I believe everything happens for a reason, I'd like to try and make sense of that. But sometimes, I look at a situation in my own life, or in the life of someone else, and the whole "reason for everything" seems like its own load of crap.

(I know there are those of you who will argue that sometimes bad things just happen and that's the way life is. Maybe it's because my emotional psyche can't survive on theories centering on the "chaos of the universe." But if I believe, not just in a God of order, but in any semblance of reasoning or order at all, even if it's beyond my own personal understanding, I have to reject that theory.)

Haven't you ever felt like you used to be so much better than you currently are?

but at the same time,

You feel like you've come so far from the person you used to be, and it's your own personal miracle? Despite, or maybe because of what you've been through?

Well-meaning people will tell you and I in these situations that it's always darkest before the dawn; to just keep holding on because it's only after we've held on through the mists of darkness so black and tangible they could literally choke your soul that you'll finally breathe easy and feel the sunshine on your face again; that you will thrive and be stronger and free-er than you ever were before. I've been the one to say that before; to myself (repeatedly) and to others. And I mean it every time because I've experienced it, so I know it's real.

But that's hard to hold on to when you're in the middle of the muck, or when you feel the fresh wound of your happiness being ripped unceremoniously from the tight-knuckled grasp of all the blood, sweat and tears it took to get there in the first place.

Standing there, staring at the deepest, darkest, blackest of black holes, none of it makes one smidgen of sense.

But then again, it makes perfect sense. If, in order to know the purest of joys, we must know the deepest of sorrows, all that pain never goes to waste. Relief would mean nothing to the man who had not just suffered intense pressure. The longer the period of pain, the greater relief when it finally lifts.

What we feel reminds us we're alive. If we feel no pain and consequently, no joy, our state equals not just death, but we would have to cease to exist entirely.

Sometimes I wonder why we can't just all catch a break. But then I remember we do. From time to time, and usually when we need it the most. Sometimes the only thing that wakes me up to the fullest sense of my blessings, or my "break" is the resurgence of pain or frustration. So I'm grateful. And all of this just because I was reminded this morning how strong my friends and family are, and how insanely blessed I am. Life may constantly turn out differently from how I/we imagine it should have, but it's not due to any lack of planning or failure on my part. Or on anyone's part. That's just the direct consequence of my limited vision. :)

While I may not be able to control the wind or the waves, I know someone who can. We can weep and wail and gnash our teeth, and see our lives as crashing on the shores of failure, regret, and misery, and we can question "why" so loudly we think the heavens might be silent...

But it is only when we take a moment to stop and listen to Him that we realize and remember His vision and wisdom exceed our own; that is why our lives keep turning out so "differently" than we think they are supposed to. Because we are children still and nothing can truly speed up the growing process. It takes time, heat, pressure, and the molding of various elements. But mostly time, I think. Sometimes we keep ourselves in the dark, and sometimes, I think we're meant to be there for a time so we can know the bitter from the sweet so much better than we knew it before.
I was thinking about all of this last night, and pondering still on Elder Bednar's "Pray Always" talk from the last General Conference that I had re-read two nights before. I had never put the concept of gratitude and vision together before like he did:

We learned that our gratefulness for the plan of happiness and for the Savior’s mission of salvation provided needed reassurance and strengthened our confidence that all would be well with our dear friends. We also received insights concerning the things about which we should pray and appropriately ask in faith.

The most meaningful and spiritual prayers I have experienced contained many expressions of thanks and few, if any, requests. The prayers of prophets are childlike in their simplicity and powerful because of their sincerity.

As we strive to make our prayers more meaningful, we should remember that “in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments” (D&C 59:21)

So there you have it. Whether you wanted it or not. But I figure if you didn't want it, you stopped reading long ago. :)

Ugh.

Yep. I hate my life. The cool part is that I haven't had to mess with makeup for almost a week now. I tell myself this is cool because, otherwise, I'd remember that I wasn't wearing any makeup. And that I've been wearing my glasses for almost a week. * sigh * It's hard to be so naturally good looking, I think. :)

It's almost over. I just had to complain. But I'm done now.