the storm

This is my favorite hymn; has been for years. But Sunday morning, as I was sleepily getting ready to leave for Salt Lake at 5:30 in the horrid a.m., I decided to let Pandora choose my Sunday tunes. This arrangement came on, and I fell in love. Thank you, Alex Boye. Combine my favorite words with a beautiful arrangement? Yes please. Now I just need the sheet music so I can play it a million times over on the nearest piano...you know, on those days when...music just makes everything better.

This has been an interesting week when it comes to faith. I've been watching some friends I look up to and love dearly make the decision to leave behind their previous faith for months now, and it really does feel like I'm watching a terrible storm gather right in front of me. This past week the thing I've known for months became known to a lot more people. Their questions and sadness over the situation have reminded me of my own, even though I've been trying to press forward and ignore it all. I love them so very much. I know they feel they are making the best decision for themselves in their own lives, but I am still tied to this faith. I love it, and though I cannot answer all their questions or concerns, in my heart? I could never leave it. I've always somehow just felt the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Have I ever had questions? Of course I have. Have I always found the perfect answer? Well, in a way, yes. But sometimes the perfect answer to my question is to be patient; to wait. So I've learned to do that much. But sometimes I do find the answer in the scriptures or words of the prophets, or in those moments of prayer I can't really explain with words. 

There have been moments I wasn't sure how this storm (if you will) was going to affect even my own surroundings. But knowing what I know, and feeling what I feel have not completely taken away the sadness I have felt for my friends, even though they don't seem to feel that same sadness. 

But in my life, I have found one more source of truth, of comfort, and of help. It is in music. This song came back to my mind this morning, as I've been seeking comfort or direction more singularly this week on the subject. What is my faith? How can I turn this corner and leave these thoughts and feelings behind? My comfort came in the words of this hymn, and my ability to hear it more clearly came in the notes of this beautiful melody. 

I will not doubt, I will not fear;

God’s love and strength are always near.

His promised gift helps me to find

An inner strength and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly

My trust, my prayers, humility.

His Spirit guides; his love assures

That fear departs when faith endures.

I wish I could more accurately explain myself here. For some reason, I've always just felt like the gospel was true. I've definitely encountered the need to find answers to my own questions along the way, but I've always been able to find the answer somewhere along the way. Anytime I take my faith for granted, it tends to show up larger than life, reminding me I need to take care of it or it will slowly fade from my life. I could choose to let it fade. But I don't want to because whenever I think of my life without the light of the gospel in it, the future seems bleak and my purpose seems to disappear even before my mind's eye. 

"Men's hearts shall fail them" is the phrase that keeps ringing through my tired mind this week, and it's something I've always been determined to NOT allow to happen in my life. I will have questions, yes. I know this. I will have doubts. But I will not ever give up. If I've made it 29 years into my life and always eventually found the answers to my questions through the gospel, I can make it another 29 years. And then another 29. For as long as it takes until all the questions we've ever had will one day be answered. I do know that will happen. 

Because if nothing else, I know HE lives. Jesus Christ really is the Son of God, he really did live a perfect life, here on the earth, and He is my ultimate teacher, and the truest friend I will ever know. It is through him and because of Him that I can make it through anything; through everything. Including the unknowns. If there is one thing I do know, it is that He loves us. He can teach me anything I need to know. He understands every doubt, every situation, every fear we will ever have. And in some cases, He may be the only one who can calm the storm. 

So no matter who has doubts, or where those doubts may come from, my one source of information for all those doubts will always come by going to Him. I know He lives, I know He is real, and I know he will always help me find the right answer. 

Snowlust

So this morning instead of waking up to my alarm, I was unceremoniously thrust from my peaceful sleeping dreams by an alert on my phone. 

Normally I'd be extremely upset about such an offense. 

Except the alert was kindly informing me that Brighton resort had 5" of new powder.

It was the most pleasant feeling. 

I love snow. This winter the snow keeps forgetting to fall on the ground, and even the mountains are sad about it. If I can see Timp from my house, it's NOT a good winter.

But knowing there were 5" of new powder somewhere, just waiting for me to silently glide through them today?

I should get a prize for coming to work today.

Just saying.

Bucket List Reality

"God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future - to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities. 

God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

 See that face? I'll be the first to admit that face could've been that happy a couple years ago, but because I was just afraid enough of failure, because I'm stubborn, and because I was convinced I had a better idea for my life, it wasn't. I could go drag you through the past five years of my life and explain every detail of where I could have turned right when instead I chose to turn left; or we could delve into all the psychological reasons I may or may not have chosen the path that was all but laid out in front of me. ...but I won't.

I will say this though: once upon a time I wrote down a life bucket list after I graduated from college. I remember exactly where I was: just outside my Mission President's office in Nauvoo where He and I had just talked extensively about the future...scratch that...my future. The list wasn't all-inclusive by any means, but some things were pretty practical while others were such a shot in the dark I considered them laughable. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit becoming a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was one of those list items I actually didn't think would ever come to pass. :) Silly me, apparently.

Along the way, I've found some paths I decided were "good enough" rather than the original crazy bucket list item I'd written down. They were just distracting enough to explore. But every time I went with the "good enough" option...let's just say I think Heavenly Father lets us explore "good enough" options, but He loves us enough to deny us the "good enough" and keep encouraging us toward the dream option. Because, as Elder Holland says..."he is waiting to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams...." but we have to believe they're actually possible.

I didn't know how literal that statement/promise was until this past year. But suffice it to say, minus the long descriptive post this COULD be, Heavenly Father needs us to really believe in our own dreams and work for them so He can help them become reality. Sometimes my so-called logical side tries to take over far too much, and I avoid the dream because...well...it's probably just too good to be true. ...Right?

We were asked to introduce ourselves to the directors and small group last night, and they had us pick one cool thing we would want everybody to know about us. Well, I think it threw all of us off because...probably the coolest recent thing for all of us was the fact we were sitting in that room. So in my brain scramble, I admitted I wanted to run a marathon this year. Because...well, MoTab: check. The next thing on the list was a  marathon. I had no choice...

Last night was the first night of choir school, and in April/May it'll be official. If it wasn't a New Year's resolution of mine to BELIEVE God really can and will answer all our prayers and dreams...it is now. It seemed so surreal to sit in that room with the 17 women and 22 men who made it with me this year; I had to keep pinching myself, and fyi...Ryan Murphy was so a few feet from me. But I digress. Wanna know the coolest part about it all?

It was 100% reality. :)