A spot in the shade, a ray of light, and grasping at the wisdom to know the difference.

I'd like to take something back I've said over and over again in my life. Well, I'll take all of them back with the exception of the first time I ever said it. That was the only time the statement had a smidgen of integrity to its credit.

"I don't know why bad things happen."

That's a stupid comment. Of course I know why. I've also heard it said, and said it myself: "Crap happens." Uh, okay, yes it does, but...in my world where I believe everything happens for a reason, I'd like to try and make sense of that. But sometimes, I look at a situation in my own life, or in the life of someone else, and the whole "reason for everything" seems like its own load of crap.

(I know there are those of you who will argue that sometimes bad things just happen and that's the way life is. Maybe it's because my emotional psyche can't survive on theories centering on the "chaos of the universe." But if I believe, not just in a God of order, but in any semblance of reasoning or order at all, even if it's beyond my own personal understanding, I have to reject that theory.)

Haven't you ever felt like you used to be so much better than you currently are?

but at the same time,

You feel like you've come so far from the person you used to be, and it's your own personal miracle? Despite, or maybe because of what you've been through?

Well-meaning people will tell you and I in these situations that it's always darkest before the dawn; to just keep holding on because it's only after we've held on through the mists of darkness so black and tangible they could literally choke your soul that you'll finally breathe easy and feel the sunshine on your face again; that you will thrive and be stronger and free-er than you ever were before. I've been the one to say that before; to myself (repeatedly) and to others. And I mean it every time because I've experienced it, so I know it's real.

But that's hard to hold on to when you're in the middle of the muck, or when you feel the fresh wound of your happiness being ripped unceremoniously from the tight-knuckled grasp of all the blood, sweat and tears it took to get there in the first place.

Standing there, staring at the deepest, darkest, blackest of black holes, none of it makes one smidgen of sense.

But then again, it makes perfect sense. If, in order to know the purest of joys, we must know the deepest of sorrows, all that pain never goes to waste. Relief would mean nothing to the man who had not just suffered intense pressure. The longer the period of pain, the greater relief when it finally lifts.

What we feel reminds us we're alive. If we feel no pain and consequently, no joy, our state equals not just death, but we would have to cease to exist entirely.

Sometimes I wonder why we can't just all catch a break. But then I remember we do. From time to time, and usually when we need it the most. Sometimes the only thing that wakes me up to the fullest sense of my blessings, or my "break" is the resurgence of pain or frustration. So I'm grateful. And all of this just because I was reminded this morning how strong my friends and family are, and how insanely blessed I am. Life may constantly turn out differently from how I/we imagine it should have, but it's not due to any lack of planning or failure on my part. Or on anyone's part. That's just the direct consequence of my limited vision. :)

While I may not be able to control the wind or the waves, I know someone who can. We can weep and wail and gnash our teeth, and see our lives as crashing on the shores of failure, regret, and misery, and we can question "why" so loudly we think the heavens might be silent...

But it is only when we take a moment to stop and listen to Him that we realize and remember His vision and wisdom exceed our own; that is why our lives keep turning out so "differently" than we think they are supposed to. Because we are children still and nothing can truly speed up the growing process. It takes time, heat, pressure, and the molding of various elements. But mostly time, I think. Sometimes we keep ourselves in the dark, and sometimes, I think we're meant to be there for a time so we can know the bitter from the sweet so much better than we knew it before.
I was thinking about all of this last night, and pondering still on Elder Bednar's "Pray Always" talk from the last General Conference that I had re-read two nights before. I had never put the concept of gratitude and vision together before like he did:

We learned that our gratefulness for the plan of happiness and for the Savior’s mission of salvation provided needed reassurance and strengthened our confidence that all would be well with our dear friends. We also received insights concerning the things about which we should pray and appropriately ask in faith.

The most meaningful and spiritual prayers I have experienced contained many expressions of thanks and few, if any, requests. The prayers of prophets are childlike in their simplicity and powerful because of their sincerity.

As we strive to make our prayers more meaningful, we should remember that “in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments” (D&C 59:21)

So there you have it. Whether you wanted it or not. But I figure if you didn't want it, you stopped reading long ago. :)