BE GRATEFUL

Be warned.  This is another "DeeAura learned a life-lesson" post.  But it has much more substance than when I respond to, say, a tag.  :)

For those of you who somehow don't know, I'm a serious journal keeper.  I love it.  It keeps me sane.  (Aeh...as sane as I can be.)  :)

Okay.  Last night, I was reading my journal from my last year of college.  

This is usually something I avoid.  For two reasons:

1 - It was a year full of drama.  Drama that eventually led me in the "right" direction...

2 - But it was drama that I think actually and literally broke my heart.  

Sometimes, I wish I hadn't written about that year of my life.  However, I literally would not have made it through that year without writing.  I still look back and am astounded I came through in one piece.  Considering.  Clearly, Heavenly Father had everything to do with that.  To the average outsider, that could easily sound overly dramatic.  But to me, that doesn't even begin to describe the experience.  

*Big, deep breath*  I read it one time after I got home from Nauvoo, and it made me cry for about a week.  Straight.  Seriously.  I felt so completely hopeless.  And sometimes, I will be innocently living my life when up pops a memory from that year, and I find myself staring at my computer screen at work with tears streaming down my face.  Other times, I'm so determined to "move on" and get on with my life, I find myself pushing that year as far back in my mind as possible.

I've concluded neither one of these options is acceptable anymore.  

But - last night, I got really brave.  I've been really trying to put everything in perspective lately...since I'm a believer in the whole "there are no coincidences/there's a reason for everthing" theory.  But trying to piece that year together has been a...ahem...well, a challenge, to say the least.  

It's been more than a year since I last read through it, and more than two years since any of it actually even happened.  Last night, as I read through the entire journal, I was surprised.  I actually found myself being grateful!  I wish I could explain what a pure miracle that is.  Hahah!  No matter how much I wanted things to work out differently that year, the one thing I wanted the very most out of it all was to do the right thing; even though I literally did not understand why I felt the way I did at the time.  And that desire is what led me to Nauvoo, despite my very stubborn plans otherwise.  But it's not just about Nauvoo.  It's so much bigger.  It's about who I'm supposed to be, and who I chose to listen to through out that process.  I think it might have been the hardest time because I listened to what I felt like my Heavenly Father was telling me to do instead of what my heart wanted more than anything else at the time.  From that year, I learned that if we want, most of all, to do the right thing, Heavenly Father will help us do exactly that.  Even if He knows we will feel pain in the process.  "...I believe it is because He loves us so much more than He loves our happiness"  (James E. Faust, "Where Do I Make My Stand?" Liahona, Nov 2004, 18-21)

I'm so grateful for the opportunity we have to gain such incredible experience and to learn so much through out our lives!  I never never never in a million years would have chosen (by myself) the path I am on now.  Not that it's not a good path!  It's just...I wanted another path with every little teeny tiny piece of my heart.  Or I thought I did.  And there have been times I wonder what was wrong with me, or...(forgive me)...what was God thinking?!  But I now realize even more how little I know.  (Talk about a cliche.)  :)  

Anyway.  Unless you know me well enough to know what all that was about, this could all sound really general and probably muddled.  But...even if I'm the only person who ever really knows how crystal clear the whole situation is now, that's okay!  :)  I think there will always be a little part of me that wants to hold on to those few months, but - I guess that's okay.  I can't be who I need to be without taking with me where I've been, right?  

I'm sticking to what I've thought all along.  There's a reason for EVERYTHING, but only when we're doing all we can to involve God in the process will we ever be able to decode the message.  We get so swallowed up in our emotions sometimes, it can easily blind us to the truth He is trying to help us see: that He knows what we're going through, and He'll guide us through it safely...right exactly to where we need to be...if we will only let Him.