If your ship won't come in, swim out to it.

A story for you. I call it:

"Steps to a Charlie Brown grin moment."

Just this past Sunday, I was restlessly trying to write in my journal. It helps me figure out my life and get things out I can't say out loud. (I know. It's shocking to you that I don't actually say everything I'm thinking. It shocks me sometimes, too.)

After a few minutes of writing, I had to stop because thinking needed to ensue again with full-force. I wasn't done writing, but I just couldn't formulate my thoughts to words quite yet.

So I started poking around in my old computer files and came across a document appropriately titled "What to do with my life." Huh. Out of near-boredom, I opened it up. Of course I remembered writing it; it's not like its contents were a mystery to me, but it had been a good two years since I wrote it, so...

I read it. It was two pages long. Two pages full of "I need to do this, I need to be better at that, I've been ignoring this...I need to start that." Yes. Two pages of pretty specific to-do lists for yours truly.

Two pages I was shocked to discover were all accomplished.
...with one exception: graduate school.

Let's rewind and bask in that moment for a second: I made two pages worth of goals, and two years later, everything was done except for one thing.

* insert giant, Charlie Brown-esque grin *

Okay, okay, so the goals weren't things like climbing Mount Everest or jumping out of an airplane. They were small things. Attainable things. Small goals to help me get to ultimately larger goals. And while the large goals have not yet come to fruition...the small ones have. Which means? The big ones are just around the corner.

* repeat the aforementioned grin *

(figuratively speaking, of course. I may have to do the small ones for years to come before the big ones become reality. But that's looking at the mountain instead of the trail, so I'm done talking about it like that.)

That was a proud moment. A grateful moment. When I made that list, I was frustrated. I wanted things to change. I'm not sure if I knew I was fulfilling that list these past two years; at least not in every moment of the last two years. Sometimes I knew, but I'm pretty sure just writing it down made me more aware.

So yesterday, I started thinking again about the ever-present item on the back-burner of my brain. I've been sitting on the fence because I wanted to pick the right program. I wanted to make sure I was ready. I wanted to be committed. And sometimes, it just didn't feel right. And what if by doing it, I was cutting out other options? Or...commence grossest laundry list of excuses ever.

I'm still not 1000% sure it's right. But since WHEN is that necessary before I take a step forward? Only in extremely rare cases have I ever been that sure of something in my life. Nine times out of ten, a step, or steps forward are required before I know if I picked a good thing or not. :) I could be wrong, but I'm also pretty sure it works that way for most people most of the time as well. (If you always know for sure, don't tell me. Please.)

So I'm doing it.

After two years of sitting on the grad school fence, I'm calling my own bluff.
I'm sick of waiting for myself to commit.

Commence application.

I think the only part I hate is asking people for letters of recommendation. Not that I hate asking...I just cringe at the idea that I'll have to report back to them on the results. * gulp *

But that's so not the attitude to have about my future.

If it doesn't work out, then I'm fine with that. I'll keep going until it feels wrong, and then I'll stop and go in a different direction. Until then, however...I'm taking that fork in the road, and I'm gonna like it...because, right now, in this moment, for whatever reason...it feels right. FINALLY.

...and that's a wrap. :) <---(you know that's the grin.)

Now it's out there and you know. Yikes.