It's alive!!

one week +
sitting on my dresser
just can't throw it away
please oh please come back to life!
plug in
re-charge
still no sound
* sigh *
reset factory settings?
can't kill it more than dead...
reset.
...waiting...waiting...
add one song
headphones...
VOILA!!!
we have life!
the crowd goes wild!!!
I go running.
No longer in silence. :)

Sincere appreciation...

"Gratitude is a sincere appreciation for blessings or help we have received."

Pardon my ramblings that seem otherwise from time to time. :)

Just when I think I have it all figured out...

I DON'T.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -C.S. Lewis

I don't want that to happen.

I lived with visions for my company
Instead of men and women, years ago,
And found them gentle mates, nor thought to know
A sweeter music than they played to me.
But soon their trailing purple was not free
Of this world's dust, their lutes did silent grow,
And I myself grew faint and blind below
Their vanishing eyes. Then thou didst come---to be,
Belovèd, what they seemed. Their shining fronts,
Their songs, their splendours (better, yet the same,
As river-water hallowed into fonts),
Met in thee, and from out thee overcame
My soul with satisfaction of all wants:
Because God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I don't have any idea how to get that.

I have only just a minute,
Only sixty seconds in it.

Forced upon me, can't refuse it.
Didn't seek it, didn't choose it.
But it's up to me
to use it.

I must suffer if I lose it.
Give account if I abuse it.

Just a tiny little minute,

but eternity is in it.
And I don't have the time to waste not knowing.
please please please

Make it stop.

♫ We are (dun dun) #1 ♫

An ode to my family: immediate and extended.

REASON #1: My grandpa. Check him out.

http://www.talkshopbot.com/forum/show.cgi?tpc=17997&post=96818#POST96818

He already made me stuff like this:

Now he's even cooler. Like that's even possible.
Oh, wait. It is.

REASON #2: My cousin's most recent letter from his mission in AZ. Also, since when did you ever get a box of Nerds from Nephi? Yeah, you can't even compete.

Well everyone, i DID write a big huge email with lots of fun stories and stuff but for some reason the session went dead, not timed out but dead, no hope of salvage so now i am writing you this smaller letter.

-------------------
2 And now, as I have spoken concerning this letter, behold this is not the letter upon which I make a full account of the history of my week; for the letter upon which I made a full account of my week I have given the name of “My Big Letter That Got Deleted”; wherefore, it is called the letter of the past and also the Letter of Elder Kelly, after mine own name; and this letter also is called the letter of Elder Kelly.

3 Nevertheless, I have received a commandment of the Mom that I should make this letter, for the special purpose that there should be an account written of the ministry of my people and this past week.

4 Upon the other letter was written an account of the full week, and the wars and contentions of my people in my area; wherefore this letter is for the more part of the ministry in very few details; and the other letter is for the more part of the full week and its happenings and the wars and contentions of my people.

5 Wherefore, the Mom hath commanded me to write this letter for a wise purpose in her, which purpose I know not.

6 But the Mom knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, she prepareth a way to accomplish all her works among the children of herself(me); for behold, she hath all power unto the fulfilling of all her words. And thus it is. Amen.

(-2nd Elder Kelly 9:2-6)

Love,
Elder Kelly

I would claim to have taught him all he knows, but you'd know that's a lie if you've ever met his immediately family. I claim a marginal percentage, however. 1. Because I can, 2. Because we're related, and 3. Because this is my blog. And I do what I want. (that could be a fourth reason, by the way...)

REASON #3 - I like these two kids:

Happy wedding to them in March. :) Are your brothers that handsome? Nope.

Next,

REASON #4 - I already hate talking about this, but it has to be mentioned.

We have a cat that I hate more than anything else I can even think of. (Sorry, cat-lovers. I can't even begin to understand. Kittens? Sure. Cats? No. No way.) But my little brother Adam named him Branch-Head. Seriously.
I wondered if our next cat's name was going to be "Stick-butt" but...nah.
They named the next one Simon.
Then my mom put him, Branch-Head, on facebook. This is because she is out of control.

No, you read that right.
My family's cat is on facebook.
And you got all squeamish when your mom got on facebook. PLEASE.
(And don't ask me why the other cat doesn't get a facebook, but honestly, let's not get into that. I can already see the wheels turning in my mom's head.
And nothing needs to help that out any more than I have already done.
...the potential havoc I just wreaked...)


REASON #5 - We just have everything we could possibly want. Except birthday candles.
And that creation on the cake? It's a Ginfortwoozlefin. I had to call and ask Adam what it was called because I couldn't remember to save my life.
I just know he and Julia drew them incessantly for...ever. :)
They're funny.
They make me laugh.
They read everything on the planet.
Such as:
Clover is a sycophant from Foo assigned to look after Leven. He is about twelve inches tall and furry all over except for his face, knees, and elbows. He wears a shimmering robe that renders him completely invisible if the hood is up. He is incredibly curious and mischievous to a fault. His previous burn was Antsel.
And that's what Adam was for Halloween. There's some disgusting detail about how these creatures wear for a robe the sac they were born in. For life.
Yep. They wear their placenta.
And they have one giant secret pocket where they can hide things.
Or something like that.
(That book above is hilarious, by the way.)
In case you need to know what that looked like in human form:

I could go on for ages, but then you'd start to get really jealous.
Then I'd tell you that's only skimming the surface.
Then you'd feel bad and cry...
and that's just no way to start your weekend.

Until next time.
Happy Friday the 13th.
mehehe :)

Letter of the week:

Dearest Darlingest Old Navy,

I hate you. You are the scum between my toes. Don't put that cute coat on your website IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET ME BUY IT!!!! It has a hood. It would have kept me warm. I would have loved it more than all my other coats.

I'm so mad I could spit.
Angrily,

Dee

P.S. I realize this sounds very materialistic. That's because it is.

AND

To add to my Monday (that's why...it's Monday) events, guess what I left in my running jacket and consequently put in the washer and dryer this weekend?

Yep.
Cool.
I hate running to music anyway.
* sob *
Goodbye, little man!
I'm sorry I killed you!
I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it!

What if:

What if one day, I woke up and changed my whole life. Just picked up and moved. Different job, different friends, different place....felt the need for change, and took it to the limit. What if that day were today?

What if I didn't just do something because it was logical, but instead, did the thing I wanted to do in my heart...and did it even though I think it doesn't make sense?
What if I stopped feeling regret for leaving good things behind, and just picked up again whatever I could, like no time had ever been lost?

What if I threw all caution to the wind and decided to just love you out loud because I have no fear, and nothing can stop me from telling you what I think I feel? What if you could do that, too? What if I told you I think I want you to love me? What if I quit worrying if that will scare you? What if I don't know exactly if we're "it" but I'm dying to know? What if I've been so patient it might kill me to do it any longer, and I just PRAY we're both brave enough to find out? What if we stopped beating around the bush and just said it. Now.
What if I stopped being worried about the obstacles, real or imagined, and just did what I've always wanted to do, no matter what?

What if I trusted that if it is right, it will somehow all work out? Because what if, by choosing the second-best option, I am walking away from the things that will fill those empty portions of my soul?What if, in the field of my life, the grass really IS greener on the other side, and I've just been too afraid to jump over the fence?What if I don't know what my life will bring, but I know what I want it to bring? Will that make any difference? Will my time be spent going for it, or being afraid of it?

Is it wrong to go for second-best because I'm afraid first place isn't realistic?

What if it actually works out.

What if this is all for real.

What if the only thing holding me back...is me?
"Look before you leap"
I looked. And looked. And looked.
But I forgot to leap.
Time to stop thinking.
Just jump.

If your ship won't come in, swim out to it.

A story for you. I call it:

"Steps to a Charlie Brown grin moment."

Just this past Sunday, I was restlessly trying to write in my journal. It helps me figure out my life and get things out I can't say out loud. (I know. It's shocking to you that I don't actually say everything I'm thinking. It shocks me sometimes, too.)

After a few minutes of writing, I had to stop because thinking needed to ensue again with full-force. I wasn't done writing, but I just couldn't formulate my thoughts to words quite yet.

So I started poking around in my old computer files and came across a document appropriately titled "What to do with my life." Huh. Out of near-boredom, I opened it up. Of course I remembered writing it; it's not like its contents were a mystery to me, but it had been a good two years since I wrote it, so...

I read it. It was two pages long. Two pages full of "I need to do this, I need to be better at that, I've been ignoring this...I need to start that." Yes. Two pages of pretty specific to-do lists for yours truly.

Two pages I was shocked to discover were all accomplished.
...with one exception: graduate school.

Let's rewind and bask in that moment for a second: I made two pages worth of goals, and two years later, everything was done except for one thing.

* insert giant, Charlie Brown-esque grin *

Okay, okay, so the goals weren't things like climbing Mount Everest or jumping out of an airplane. They were small things. Attainable things. Small goals to help me get to ultimately larger goals. And while the large goals have not yet come to fruition...the small ones have. Which means? The big ones are just around the corner.

* repeat the aforementioned grin *

(figuratively speaking, of course. I may have to do the small ones for years to come before the big ones become reality. But that's looking at the mountain instead of the trail, so I'm done talking about it like that.)

That was a proud moment. A grateful moment. When I made that list, I was frustrated. I wanted things to change. I'm not sure if I knew I was fulfilling that list these past two years; at least not in every moment of the last two years. Sometimes I knew, but I'm pretty sure just writing it down made me more aware.

So yesterday, I started thinking again about the ever-present item on the back-burner of my brain. I've been sitting on the fence because I wanted to pick the right program. I wanted to make sure I was ready. I wanted to be committed. And sometimes, it just didn't feel right. And what if by doing it, I was cutting out other options? Or...commence grossest laundry list of excuses ever.

I'm still not 1000% sure it's right. But since WHEN is that necessary before I take a step forward? Only in extremely rare cases have I ever been that sure of something in my life. Nine times out of ten, a step, or steps forward are required before I know if I picked a good thing or not. :) I could be wrong, but I'm also pretty sure it works that way for most people most of the time as well. (If you always know for sure, don't tell me. Please.)

So I'm doing it.

After two years of sitting on the grad school fence, I'm calling my own bluff.
I'm sick of waiting for myself to commit.

Commence application.

I think the only part I hate is asking people for letters of recommendation. Not that I hate asking...I just cringe at the idea that I'll have to report back to them on the results. * gulp *

But that's so not the attitude to have about my future.

If it doesn't work out, then I'm fine with that. I'll keep going until it feels wrong, and then I'll stop and go in a different direction. Until then, however...I'm taking that fork in the road, and I'm gonna like it...because, right now, in this moment, for whatever reason...it feels right. FINALLY.

...and that's a wrap. :) <---(you know that's the grin.)

Now it's out there and you know. Yikes.