My boss just gave me an entire package of oreos and I just want to eat them all.

TANGLED comes out on DVD on March 29th. I think I'll make a paper chain to help me make it to that day in one piece. I plan on watching it like I listen to new songs on the radio: on repeat until I totally and completely ruin the experience for myself. Hahah, kidding. Sort of.

Funny story: Sometimes, when people are driving down the freeway, they should probably not stick their head out the window with glasses on to chuck junk food at passers-by. Bahahahahhaha....the simple physics of the situation alone is just a death sentence for the poor glasses. RIP at mile-marker 95, Braden's glasses. I'm sorry I'm still laughing...repeatedly...at your sad, sad demise. :) I wish I'd gone to Vegas with all of you. Hahha. But instead I did the right thing this weekend. Even though I missed out on the actual sighting of this event. I worked instead of played. That's right. I'm a friggin' dedicated employee.

I pat my own back on a regular basis. JK. But it sure sounds like I do... :)

As if you needed further proof I don't always deserve a pat on the back, there was this one time this weekend when I said something not nice instead of something nice and then I tried to make up for it and I think I might have just made it worse. Thumper would have been sorely disappointed in me. Ew ew ew, I hate being imperfect. * sigh *

And speaking of imperfections...

Dear Faux-Hawk sporting, $$$ jeans wearing, blow-pop sucking, shoulder-shrugging, wanna-be landlord:

I would like to thank you here and now for helping me further appreciate guys who can actually carry on an intelligent conversation without making me want to DIE of disgust overload.

UN. BELIEVABLE. This works for you??? Oh. Probably because you have so much money you don't even know what to do with it. Walking away: now. I can't remember the last time I've wanted out of someone's presence that badly. I was afraid of saying something I would ultimately regret. Lately my stupid mouth (thank you, John Mayer) has been threatening my sanity, so keeping it shut was a really good idea. He should thank me.

I know, I know. "If you judge others, you have no time to love them." Uh...that's okay. I don't really need to love him...he's 29 and smacks on his blow-pop while trying to sell me something. Not impressed. Also no, it's not okay for you to keep a room at our house if you want us to rent from you. Creep.

Crap. Remember my imperfect reference? Clearly I need more of a desire to improve upon this quality. :)

Which, come to think of it, I actually don't have anything specifically against faux hawks. If it's just barely there, it's actually kind of hot. Have I lived in Provo too long? Hmmm.....

For the record, blow pop dude's OOC faux hawk was only the beginning of his downfall. The hair alone would have been fine.

Sincerely, DeeAura's opinion

Um, if you're still reading after all that ranting...I really learned a couple really great things this past weekend. Prayers are 1000% answered, did you know? Despite my ever-present imperfections, I know I won't always be this way. hahah. But I'll share those next post so they don't get lost in all the natural man seeping into the rest of this post. :)

P.S. But I will mention that President Monson's biography, "To The Rescue" is INCREDIBLE. We'll talk more about that later. And by "we," I mean I'll probably write about it at some point and the four people still reading my blog these days will be kind enough to read it. :)

Thank you, four readers. I love you. "You are a lone reed...."

Ooooo, now I wanna go watch that movie...

I think I'm still delirious from that one hour of sleep I lost this weekend. Thank you, daylight "savings"....

I am.

I am _____.


I am myself.

I am from discovery and refinement, with pieces and portions found along the way.

I am from struggle.

I am from the small; rising from ashes to brilliant phoenix and back to the ashes again.

I am from renewal.

I am from lessons learned, and some the hard way. I am from "Because I said so" without reasons why.

I am from the recognized need for more trust and more courage.

I am from heartache. 

I am from pain required of growth.

I am from walls built to protect, I alone hold the tools to build or destroy.

I am from the pain of separation and loss; from the deep desire to love and be loved, with the ever-present test before me to love in spite of being loved in return.

I am from weakness of origin unknown. I am from pushing through inability to able.

I am from strength.

I am from independence and stubbornness.

I am from truth without games, but even in truth I find definition's need.

I am from that childlike desire to grow up to escape the pain of childhood, only to discover it is pain of life, determined to follow me, a dark and terrible stranger chased away only by the light of rescue.

I am from resolve.

I am from faith in a better plan; in things I cannot see but feel and sometimes know are true.

I am from hope.

I am from God, who knows all things and has been there from struggle's first formation. I am from Him, His royal daughter, precious above all I know or can describe.

I am from knowledge that cannot always be fully expressed, but can be felt without equivocation.

I am from royalty and promises and great things to come.

I am from forever.

I am from judgment that is only overcome through mercy and grace.

I am from mistakes and choice and learning to stop and listen along the way for better answers and attuned directions as I travel.

I am from forgiveness.

I am from hard work and determination.

I am from music and sound; from singing and swells of chorus and string mellifluous to heaven's ears.

I am from observation and triumph.

I am from tenderness and tears, from loving arms and stern commands.

I am from pleas to heaven from dark nights and starry skies with only trees to hear my cries.

I am from love and kindness, I am from loneliness and fear.

I am from minutes and hours and days and months of fighting back the tears of disappointments long past.

I am from the love and sacrifice I cannot claim, that come to me from arms outstretched both in heaven and on earth.

I am from mountain peaks and sagebrush and dirt.

I am from bacon and pancakes and ranch houses with games until the morning's wee hours, and more family than great walls can hold Christmas stockings.

I am from bedtime stories that always ended with "relax, be, quiet, and go to sleep."

I am from homemade bread and jam, pancakes on Saturday mornings, and venison at night. I am from bread and milk.


I am from endless late nights of reading with a flashlight and a sore neck from sleeping with the book under my pillow.

I am from laughter and games and loud noises and dramatic displays of human emotion. I am from larger than life and family with flaw and flare. That is the love I know.

I am from the stores of strength imperfections bring to its bearers when the atonement turns all things possible.

I am from love that fits and molds around all my borders.

I am from overcome. I am from sunrises, and sunsets; from tradition and religion.


I am from words I cannot say, from depths explored with care and sometimes trepidation.

I am from listening ears and friends with hearts that renew my own; my debt is unpaid still.

I am from love without a home, but stores of love will build my home when worth one day finds its match.


I am from happiness grown with each step.


I am from hope and glory and goodness.

I am from promises made, and promises to be kept.

I am from concentration on forward, avoiding backward glances determined to destroy my forward.


I am more than words and paper, but drafts and versions of my self have formed on endless paper with words all my own, combined with truth only found from heaven.

I am from testimony. My happiness is more than my struggles.

I am from heaven, though on earth, I am meant for the forever I love.


I am from He who is great: and from His love, I am.

-DeeAura

Make it BLUE!

Doing big scary grown-up things, and making big, fatty CHANGE decisions has its good days along with the scary ones that leave me huddled, fetal-style on my grandma's fluffy white rug. (TMI? whatever. deal.) 

The good days are the ones where you get to look around for the cool new necessities.

And also do a little stress shopping.

Even if it's only window-style.

Or internet-style.

Taaaddaaaaaaaaa.....

(to be read aloud in a sing-songy voice one might use when gazing upon beauty for the first time.)

I've seen the pink ones. And the gold ones. And I liked the pink ones. Until I saw the blue ones. The  blue ones make me want to just...well, let's just say if these were placed before me, I might need to lie down on the floor facing them with my chin propped up in my hands just to take them in properly.

I think it goes back to my days of Sleeping Beauty adoration. "Make it pink! No, make it blue!" I always liked the blue dress better. Shoes. :) I've always been a jacket/coat girl, but these shoes might turn me into a shoe girl. :) You could be a Debbie Downer here and tell me I'm a material girl for needing some quiet appreciation time alone with these shoes, but...don't. *claps hands in excitement* I'd be like those happy, newly engaged girls who keep staring at their glittery ring...only I'd be happy and staring at my glittery shoes all day long. :)

Okay, I'll take myself back to reality. *sigh* Because they might have to wait until after this purchase...

I guess.

...because I'm moving in the next number of weeks, and everywhere I look that I like is unfurnished. And I'm 28 and don't own my own bed. Are there people out there who make judgments based on this information? I feel like there are. That is not neat.

These are huge steps, people. Mormon girl buying her own bigger-than-a-twin bed means all sorts of dumb grown-up stuff around here. Hahah. I made great strides last summer when I bought that dreamy memory foam topper for my current twin bed (came with the apartment. I like to put these things off in big ways.) because I was so sick of sleeping on that piece of crap and not buying something more awesome because...well...you know, what if you get married and then...well, what does one do with a twin-sized memory foam mattress topper?

Put it on my side of the bed, that's what I do.

So I bought it. And now I just wish it were queen sized. But whatever. P.S. Future husband is so buying the king-sized bed when it comes time. All this time, what does he think he's doing, huh? Looking around the world for a big enough bed, I think. That's what.

Meanwhile, DeeAura does whatever she wants.

Anyway, that point is: moving on. growing up. go, Dee. Whooppee, I'm finally learning to grow up like everyone else my age.

(Do I have to?) Okay, I already know the answer to that. Stupid oldest child complex.

• Grad school: in progress. June is the date of knowledge.

• Half Marathon training: the number of times I sprint are getting a little less often, and the consistency of my runs are getting...a little more consistent. I still sprint though. Oopsie. Is this bad? I don't even know.

• Secret goal #2: also in progress. But that news won't come til...maybe January. Or earlier. But I hope it's not until January.

...Talk about the motivation to be a free girl now....'cuz it's growing bigger every day.

Meanwhile, it's time to go get ready for Jamba time with this girl: because it has been TOO long. And it's a tradition. Or...at least we say it is. Hahah. Even if we don't do it anywhere NEAR often enough.

And while we're on the subject of people I love and can't imagine living without? (No, that's really the same track, I promise.)

I miss you too, Cali. so desperately. 

But I love all that light in your kitchen for Addie and her yellow cereal. :) Okay, my heart hurts now. 

I'm off to Jamba time. :) And temple. And blind date tonight.

Because. That's what single girls do. :)

Yay! New music. :) *happiness*

http://www.laurajansen.com/

My roommate Sarah gave me this new music present last night when she came home from the Joshua Radin concert. (jealousy? yes.) So we owe this to Sarah. Anyway, her CD comes out this month...and I just really like her voice. So in case you like new music as much as I do...here. :) Pretty please let it come quickly...I want to hear the rest of the CD...

Haha...and for the record, I don't think "god keeps lying..." :) He doesn't at all. But her voice is pretty.

A Tale of Two Cities

I went to this show on Tuesday night with some of my favorite show-going friends: Jess, Dani, Karina, Becca, and Emily. A Tale of Two Cities...broadway...LOVE. If you want somewhere awesome to start, listen specifically to "Out of Sight Out of Mind," "If Dreams Came True," and "Let Her Be A Child." It's all great, but those would be my favorite picks so far.

Okay, now I probably won't post for a week or more. Or maybe tomorrow. Who knows. :)

Running with the Cougs

(Mindy Thornley, I know you clicked on that title in utter horror/potential disbelief, but please continue to breathe in and out. Along with all the rest of my beloved Aggie fan friends.) haha... :)

I live here. It's cool. I like it.

BYU is a-okay.

Plus, Cosmo actually has some pretty legit moves. I know, he's running here, not dancing.

Okay, enough with the explanations and technicalities.

Moving on.

 That's last year's Rex Lee Run.

In about a week and a half, I'll be running in that crowd...the second 10K I've ever run.

I'm excited. And praying for no rain/snow.

 Also, see those guys with gloves on? Tried that for the first time last weekend in the snowy 5K and took 'em off halfway through. Too darn hot.

Still wondering what posessed me to sign up for the Half in May. 

But I digress.

Someone finished their 10K last year with an average 4:40/mile.

In case you feel deceived about my running time: I'm NOT those crazy runners in the front who finish with 4 minute miles.

Holy. Crap. 

How 'bout we double their minutes per mile, and I'll feel good about my efforts.

And now for a running side note: (see how it's off to the side? cool.) Smith Fieldhouse track, last night while runnnnnning...what did I see? Perfect little married couple, giant stroller, toddler inside. Child is wearing a clear helmet. You know, to protect her from...harm. Anyway, as this couple "ran" together and took turns pushing the stroller, they also had  a giant stack of 3x5 cards they were helping each other study.

DeeAura has so many questions...I'm not judging...I'm just curious. I see the mom/dad/stroller running combo running outside all the time. It was actually a warm night last night. Thus my fascination with the indoor track running decision.

A.) Holy multi-tasking. Is this the only time they can possibly study? Are they taking that class together? What exactly was the thought process that resulted in this combination of activities...is this even safe??

the next part is to be read as if a wildlife observer on Animal Planet...

DeeAura contemplates the giant blockade in front of her, trying to decide if it's time to be productive and run around them, or hang back and little and enjoy the potentially hilarious show in her direct view. We could call her a creeper, but really? This is a public place. She is trying to run. That is a GIANT STROLLER.

B. )How much ARE one of those strollers? Cannot be cheap. It does give me a good sprinting opportunity every time I pass them, however, thanks to the giant radius required to go around. WOW. Those are legit tires...none of this plastic stuff goin on...also, have you ever tried running with one of those double-wide strollers? They are HEAVY.

 

C.) I...that baby helmet...I mean, I know it's for protection, but...really? I wonder where they found that thing. She looks like a space baby. Maybe it's just because I can see through the helmet. Anyway. Who am I to judge. Oops. :) Suddenly I find myself wondering about the color, size, and price options for baby helmets. You know, 'cuz that's pertinent information for life.

D.) Kudos to them, though. I mean...studying, running, family activity at the track? I think that's back to the multi-tasking question seen in part A.) but ...I mean...do they do this often? They seem pretty efficient with the whole system. Impressive. I'm gonna say they do this often. I think it's a safe bet.

5.) Only in Provo. Only at BYU. You learn to either shake your head and laugh and enjoy, or shake your head in utter disbelief and move on with your life. I laughed a little on the inside, enjoyed, and kept running. :)

E-Z.) I'm probably getting one of those strollers one day, and running with it. I just probably won't simultaneously whip out the 3x5 cards.

Anyway...speaking of shaking one's head in utter disbelief...BYU vs. New Mexico last night. THE most disappointing/frustrating game I've been to all year long. Gah. Alaina and I both toyed with breaking down and actually handing over $10 for a Jimmer 32 t-shirt before the game. But then we decided to go watch the game first.

I'm $10 richer right now. Not Jimmer's fault, really. He put up just as many points...I just...wasn't $10-for-a-tshirt-inspired after all that frustration. However...if there had been a Jackson Emery t-shirt for sale, I woulda bought it. Just sayin. I think I like his style. No idea why I prefered a 4 over a 32 in that moment. But I did.

The BEST part of the game though!??! I only wish I could find a picture of this goodness, but If you missed watching all those grandma's dance to Taio Cruz's "Dynamite"...hahaha...you. missed. OUT. I want to be able to do the splits when I'm in my 80s too. No, really. That happened. Hysterical and awesome. Though...my one critique would be about the silver sequiney top hats. No no no no no.

Once again...maybe...only in Provo. :)

...and gun it 'til I'm going gone...

"...It's falling that's teaching me to fly...so come on precaution, take a step aside."

Yep. Totally agree with that. 

It's just that sometimes I'll get going, and I start to gain some serious speed...

And I freak. out. 

And slam on the brakes. 

I just need to catch my breath; gather my courage, so to speak.

But then the momentum is gone. 

And chances are, I'm gonna get stuck wherever I stopped.

In a foot of powder. 

(...metaphorically speaking, of course. I never get stuck in powder...)

I mean...if there's one thing I've learned this winter from learning to snowboard, it's that you can't stop. 

You have to get up every time you fall, you have to let go of your fears: completely. 

Because it's when you let the fear of falling get to you that you actually FALL. 

 And you have to be brave enough to really get some speed under you, or...well...fail. :)

Crazy how that works, right?

  

But...then there's that temptation to regret slowing down.

Regret being afraid or not having courage enough the first time around.

Or the 28th time around.

However you wanna look at it.

 

But I love that rush of going forward, and the reward that comes when you really LAND it.

I'm NOT afraid. 

I'm not a pansy. 

I get up every time I fall down.

It's the only way you'll ever get better at whatever it is you're trying to DO.

Falling down doesn't mean you're not going to be good at it!

It just means you're still learning.

Part of the process.

 

So tell me exactly why I'm still fighting off those moments...

Are they part of life? Absolutely.

But don't you just WISH sometimes that they didn't affect you?

As in...if only you had just a little more faith...

or courage..

But let's be honest. 

It can either stop you from doing something amazing...

or it can be the thing you decide to stick it to so you can do something amazing ANYWAY.

Sooo...just...focus, right? Just go. Breathe it in, and GUN it 'til you're going...GONE.

Got it.

...I think...

I'm gonna run right up this hill.

“We can become the masters of our own destinies by practicing self-discipline and by setting worthy goals that will lead to higher ground so that we can become what our Heavenly Father wants us to become.- M. Russell Ballard

 

completing ANYTHING rocks, actually...

So remember that time I signed up for a half marathon the first weekend in May? Okay, now remember how I neglected to calculate the number of times this would require me to run outside in the cold? In the SNOW, even? DeeAura doesn't run in the cold. No way, Jose. 

But that was in my past life. Currently, DeeAura runs in the cold. And likes it. (If I say it enough, I eventually believe it...it's a little trick I do with my brain sometimes.) The mirror on the back of my bedroom door may or may not say "You love running in the cold!"
 
My brain is still somewhat resistant to this mental trick, but I think I'm coming along just fine. :) This past Saturday was opportunity #1 in the form of a local 5K. As I ran through icy slush puddles and fresh powder, with my feet still pretty frozen, this song came on my ipod...and it just made the whole rest of the run really enjoyable. I even ran through a frigid puddle after the song was over and thought, "Ah, that feels good..."

I know. It's crazy. I'm crazy. I don't even care. :)

WHOLE WIDE WORLD

Mindy Gledhill, Stuart Brawley

© 2010 Blue Morph Music (BMI), Stage Three Songs o/b/o itself and Brawleywood Music (ASCAP)

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles

I’m gonna whistle all the while

If that’s what it takes to make me smile

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles

I’m gonna run right up this hill

Summer sky or winter chill

If I gotta take a break I will

But I’m gonna run right up this hill

I wanna hold the whole wide world

Right here in my open hands

Maybe I’m just a little girl

A little girl with great big plans

I’m gonna go and take a chance

I’m gonna learn to ballet dance

Learn a little something ‘bout romance

I’m gonna go and take a chance

I’m gonna live a crazy dream

Impossible as it may seem

Doesn’t matter what the future brings

I’m gonna live a crazy dream

You tell me, “don’t try it”

I’m warning you that I won’t buy it

All failure is fleeting

I trust it always has its meaning


 

AND: have you seen the new youth LDS website? I am currently obsessed with it. It's a goldmine of fantastic. I was reading everything I could get my hands on yesterday, and came across this quote from the Young Women's General Presidency, some of which is included below:

"We believe that one virtuous young woman, led by the Spirit, can change the world. As a Young Women general presidency, we have observed young women doing what they believe is right, standing as witnesses, living the gospel standards, and truly making a difference. It is amazing what one young woman can accomplish when she is virtuous, listens to the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost, and then acts!

This year, believe. Believe you are a daughter of Heavenly Father, who loves you and will help you. Believe in the Savior Jesus Christ. He is your light. He is your hope. He is your exemplar and Redeemer. Believe in yourself! Believe in the power of all young women living the standards. All together we can seek after those things that are virtuous, lovely, and praiseworthy. All together we can make a difference in our world."

-YW General Presidency 2011

How priceless is that? And not just for teenagers/young women. For everyone. We are to be continually striving to be better, to do better, and to become even more every day of who we are meant to be...who He would have us be. And when we do that: one person has the power to change the world. Change, change, change...It reminds me of one of my favorite BYU devotionals from this past year by Elder Costa. While speaking of an inscription on a painting of a ship in harbor, he said:

"A ship is safe in harbor, but that is not what ships are for." 

"The phrase was in my native tongue of Portuguese, to be" has two translations: The verb ser refers to something that is fixed or permanent, while estarpertains to something that is transitory. The verb used in the inscription on the painting was estar, meaning that the ship — although anchored — was in the harbor temporarily, it will not be there forever. I was reminded that ships are meant to navigate the oceans and to experience adventure. I was reminded that it is the same with us."

- Elder Claudio R.M. Costa

 

If harbors are temporary, then further experience and growth is therefore permanent.
 Which is totally cool because I sometimes just sit around trying to figure out exactly how I can change things to make myself more uncomfortable. :) You know, because that's how you know you're growing. 

Or something like that...