Oh, my poor blog.
There's so much I should write here from the past year or so...much like if I had neglected my journal for a year (I have...for the first time since I was eight years old) there's just no smooth way to catch up. But I think this post might do some justice to all the time I've let pass in recording my life. Such a realization is not quite so dramatic when considering a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months. But I basically stopped recording my LIFE and my thoughts this whole past year...and after actually sitting down with myself and really thinking about it, I think it comes down to two things:
1. I became busy beyond belief this past year. Becoming a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has been the crowning challenge of my life so far. That might sound incredibly wussy. But being involved in this experience takes at minimum 20 hours out of my week every week. Factor in my full-time job, and let's not forget the importance of a social life as a single adult in this fabulous Mormon culture. That's to say nothing of having time to go on a run or go to the gym or read my scriptures or whatever else. It's all about priorities you say? Yeah, that's what I used to say too. Now I just give myself a thumbs up if I manage to accomplish half of the things I used to be able to accomplish in a day. See how much of that year has MoTab written all over it? I could've made one entirely of the choir, but I already made this one and I'm too lazy to prove my point further. :)
2. For better or worse, I may not wear my heart on my sleeve, but when it gets broken, I guess I kind of have to hide away until enough time has passed that I feel it's healed enough for normal interactions again. I envy those people who can bounce back after a week or a month or even a few months. That would be oh so nice. But if I'm really all in, I'm basically an emotional wreck for an undetermined amount of time. Trust me, I find this far more annoying than anyone else ever could. I can be cool on the surface, but I'm pathetically broken. I'm still waiting for the day that doesn't happen. You know, if I just had more faith or prayed harder or whatever. Sometimes life is just hard and things just hurt. All we can do is do what we can and keep trying to move forward, right?
And that's more than enough baggage for one post - at least more than this blog has seen in quite some time. ;) What I'm here to do today is tell you about the best beginning of a new year I've ever had to this point in my life. 2012 was incredible, but there were definitely things I'd rather forget forever and ever.
But January 1, 2013 was a day I will never forget.
I woke up incredibly late in the day because I'd stayed up way too...early...the morning before. All in the name of celebrating time passing...something I'm simply not built for anymore. Gone are the days I could eat an entire pan full of brownies and stay up 'til 3 a.m. watching Gilmore Girls. (Am I right, or am I right...) Much to my personal chagrin.
But as I lay there in my bed, contemplating the good and frustrating events of the past year, I had a lot of different ideas about the coming year. Sometimes I get annoyed about my seeming lack of control over the events of my life. SO much seems subject to timing; something I'm still struggling to accept. :)
And then a glorious thought occurred to me. There was one thing lurking in a hidden corner of my room that I COULD control!! I jumped out of bed, and opened the door under the stairs where I have a few handy rubbermaid totes full of crap I don't understand why I still possess. You know: efy shirts from eight years of polo accrual, that scrapbook I made my freshman year of college that sort of looks like a kindergartner made it, (That means it's adorable.) and other equally treasured objects. Finally, at the bottom of the tote, there it was.
It's the box I used to put cards, notes, letters, pictures, ticket stubs, and any other small memorabilia after a breakup. The boyfriend box. Better termed the breakup box.
Said box had been emptied of all previous contents a few years before, but one breakup's contents had been deposited about a year after it was emptied. It was like looking at shattered pieces of my heart sitting in the bottom of a shoe box. Totally and completely pathetic.
Anytime before that whenever I'd come across the box (usually only when I was moving to a different place, or doing some kind of deep cleaning) I'd get sidetracked, and end up sitting on the floor, reading through all the good memories, the nice things he said before, and all the pictures from fun things we'd done. And I'd end up feeling sad and angry all over again. But I couldn't even bear to actually get rid of those things before. It made me even more sad. So I'd shove it all in the box, and hide it under piles of colorful polos I'll never wear again and the crappy college freshman memorabilia. :)
But on January 1, 2013, I took that box OUTTA the tote. And I didn't open it. I didn't even have one iota of desire to crack the lid. What I did have was the most fantastic idea of all time. I was going to burn it all.
That right, I said burn.
Now don't get me wrong. This wasn't a hateful burning. It wasn't even remotely crazy, and I had no voo-doo doll intentions, etc. :) I haven't thought about said relationship in a long time. But why on EARTH was I keeping letters and pictures and love notes from the guy who was now someone else's husband? No, this was merely a desire to clean out what was no longer even remotely necessary for my life.
And I couldn't wait. :)
I texted my good friend Cali, who (bless her heart) knew every detail of that past relationship. She excitedly celebrated with me when we started dating, and cried broken-hearted tears with me when it ended. I wanted her to be a part of watching those ashes blow away in the wind. If she could stomach it at all. ;)
The plan was to hike Y mountain, even though it was covered in snow and it was FREEZING outside. We were going to hike to the top of that snow-covered Y and burn those memories into oblivion.
I've never been so excited in my LIFE. At least not this kind of excited. :)
The appointed time arrived, and after purchasing what would henceforth be labeled the world's worst $4 lighter, (to be discovered later) we drove to the trailhead. It was dark by then, but the sky was clear and the stars were perfect; with the lights from the city already far enough below us to appear magical. It was exhilarating.
Okay, and it was also freezing. But the trail is basically vertical for the first little bit, so after a few switchbacks, I was ready to rip off my snowpants and coat just for a few moments of cool reprieve. Lucky for Cali and whatever creatures may have been lurking in the dark bushes, I managed to remain clothed.
Remember the plan to go to the top? Yeah, I threw that one right out the window after about the fourth switchback. This particular stopping point was fantastic enough - a perfect view, a little bench, and a small clearing just off the regular path.
After about 10 frostbitten minutes of trying to make the $4 lighter work, we finally got enough of a flame to start burning ticket stubs. And that's where it began. I'd dug a little pit in the snow to burn it all in, initially, but in our excitement and fear of losing what little flame we had, a heavily snow-covered bench became their final resting place. :)
It. was. euphoric. And with each addition of a picture or card or ticket stub, the tiny flame grew bigger and brighter, and my heart literally felt lighter and happier with every second. I couldn't believe it!!!
Why had I waited so long?! At Cali's suggestion, my handy iphone played T-Swift and her ranting "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee are Never ever EVER EVER ever ever ever (insert as many evers as you want) getting back togetherrrrrrr!!" lyrics bounced off the snow-covered mountains. I could've given the burning song a little more thought, but this was probably actually perfect for the circumstance. No sad story songs or whiny diatribes for this moment. It was just the right touch of ridiculous for what was totally freeing up space in my heart.
Cali managed to capture some pretty important moments of our celebration, but I think nothing will ever match that feeling of relief and happy euphoria. FREEDOM!! Goodness, I know. But on the way back down the mountain, we talked about why we hadn't done that earlier. Cali reminded me how sad I'd been. I'm glad I waited so that experience could be fun and happy and freeing. :) It just wouldn't have been the same if I'd shed a single sad tear.
I think we lost all feeling in every appendage, but by the time we found Kneaders was open and ordered those delicious Pumpkin Steamers, and started reviewing the pictures Cali had taken...my last feeling of discomfort had finally fled.
I don't care that it took so long. I only care that right then, and right now, in these moments of 2013, I freed myself from the heaviest thing I'd been carrying. And somehow, as I watched that last little flame flicker out on top of that now small pile of ashes...my heart was completely healed. :)
I'm never not doing that again. It was the best new beginning I've EVER had, and I will be telling that story to anyone I ever come across as they're recovering from any kind of heartbreak for the rest of my life. It's proof to me that things really do get better. That eventually, and with the passing of enough time, and with the love of even just one friend, that burden will be gone. Completely. :)
So this summer, if you're ever passing by a bench about halfway up the mountain to the top of the Y in Provo, UT, and you happen to notice the slightest scorch mark on the left side of the top of the bench...maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to have just one little piece of my happy, freeing moment, and maybe it will help you incinerate your own little or big things weighing you down.
And eventually, I'll manage to figure out how to have enough of the little things I miss so much in the midst of my completely changed life; I'll figure out how to do this insane amount of extra the MoTab has brought into my life, and find that balance of gratitude for change and blessings and goodness...because I think I'm finally starting to see a little of my own reflection again when I look at the whole picture. It's the nicest feeling, especially after feeling a little lost for so long. :)
P.S. I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to scorch the bench. It's a small mark, and basically only because the snow melted just enough on that side...
There's so much I should write here from the past year or so...much like if I had neglected my journal for a year (I have...for the first time since I was eight years old) there's just no smooth way to catch up. But I think this post might do some justice to all the time I've let pass in recording my life. Such a realization is not quite so dramatic when considering a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months. But I basically stopped recording my LIFE and my thoughts this whole past year...and after actually sitting down with myself and really thinking about it, I think it comes down to two things:
1. I became busy beyond belief this past year. Becoming a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has been the crowning challenge of my life so far. That might sound incredibly wussy. But being involved in this experience takes at minimum 20 hours out of my week every week. Factor in my full-time job, and let's not forget the importance of a social life as a single adult in this fabulous Mormon culture. That's to say nothing of having time to go on a run or go to the gym or read my scriptures or whatever else. It's all about priorities you say? Yeah, that's what I used to say too. Now I just give myself a thumbs up if I manage to accomplish half of the things I used to be able to accomplish in a day. See how much of that year has MoTab written all over it? I could've made one entirely of the choir, but I already made this one and I'm too lazy to prove my point further. :)
2. For better or worse, I may not wear my heart on my sleeve, but when it gets broken, I guess I kind of have to hide away until enough time has passed that I feel it's healed enough for normal interactions again. I envy those people who can bounce back after a week or a month or even a few months. That would be oh so nice. But if I'm really all in, I'm basically an emotional wreck for an undetermined amount of time. Trust me, I find this far more annoying than anyone else ever could. I can be cool on the surface, but I'm pathetically broken. I'm still waiting for the day that doesn't happen. You know, if I just had more faith or prayed harder or whatever. Sometimes life is just hard and things just hurt. All we can do is do what we can and keep trying to move forward, right?
And that's more than enough baggage for one post - at least more than this blog has seen in quite some time. ;) What I'm here to do today is tell you about the best beginning of a new year I've ever had to this point in my life. 2012 was incredible, but there were definitely things I'd rather forget forever and ever.
But January 1, 2013 was a day I will never forget.
I woke up incredibly late in the day because I'd stayed up way too...early...the morning before. All in the name of celebrating time passing...something I'm simply not built for anymore. Gone are the days I could eat an entire pan full of brownies and stay up 'til 3 a.m. watching Gilmore Girls. (Am I right, or am I right...) Much to my personal chagrin.
But as I lay there in my bed, contemplating the good and frustrating events of the past year, I had a lot of different ideas about the coming year. Sometimes I get annoyed about my seeming lack of control over the events of my life. SO much seems subject to timing; something I'm still struggling to accept. :)
And then a glorious thought occurred to me. There was one thing lurking in a hidden corner of my room that I COULD control!! I jumped out of bed, and opened the door under the stairs where I have a few handy rubbermaid totes full of crap I don't understand why I still possess. You know: efy shirts from eight years of polo accrual, that scrapbook I made my freshman year of college that sort of looks like a kindergartner made it, (That means it's adorable.) and other equally treasured objects. Finally, at the bottom of the tote, there it was.
The box.
It's the box I used to put cards, notes, letters, pictures, ticket stubs, and any other small memorabilia after a breakup. The boyfriend box. Better termed the breakup box.
Said box had been emptied of all previous contents a few years before, but one breakup's contents had been deposited about a year after it was emptied. It was like looking at shattered pieces of my heart sitting in the bottom of a shoe box. Totally and completely pathetic.
Anytime before that whenever I'd come across the box (usually only when I was moving to a different place, or doing some kind of deep cleaning) I'd get sidetracked, and end up sitting on the floor, reading through all the good memories, the nice things he said before, and all the pictures from fun things we'd done. And I'd end up feeling sad and angry all over again. But I couldn't even bear to actually get rid of those things before. It made me even more sad. So I'd shove it all in the box, and hide it under piles of colorful polos I'll never wear again and the crappy college freshman memorabilia. :)
But on January 1, 2013, I took that box OUTTA the tote. And I didn't open it. I didn't even have one iota of desire to crack the lid. What I did have was the most fantastic idea of all time. I was going to burn it all.
That right, I said burn.
Now don't get me wrong. This wasn't a hateful burning. It wasn't even remotely crazy, and I had no voo-doo doll intentions, etc. :) I haven't thought about said relationship in a long time. But why on EARTH was I keeping letters and pictures and love notes from the guy who was now someone else's husband? No, this was merely a desire to clean out what was no longer even remotely necessary for my life.
And I couldn't wait. :)
I texted my good friend Cali, who (bless her heart) knew every detail of that past relationship. She excitedly celebrated with me when we started dating, and cried broken-hearted tears with me when it ended. I wanted her to be a part of watching those ashes blow away in the wind. If she could stomach it at all. ;)
The plan was to hike Y mountain, even though it was covered in snow and it was FREEZING outside. We were going to hike to the top of that snow-covered Y and burn those memories into oblivion.
I've never been so excited in my LIFE. At least not this kind of excited. :)
Okay, and it was also freezing. But the trail is basically vertical for the first little bit, so after a few switchbacks, I was ready to rip off my snowpants and coat just for a few moments of cool reprieve. Lucky for Cali and whatever creatures may have been lurking in the dark bushes, I managed to remain clothed.
Remember the plan to go to the top? Yeah, I threw that one right out the window after about the fourth switchback. This particular stopping point was fantastic enough - a perfect view, a little bench, and a small clearing just off the regular path.
After about 10 frostbitten minutes of trying to make the $4 lighter work, we finally got enough of a flame to start burning ticket stubs. And that's where it began. I'd dug a little pit in the snow to burn it all in, initially, but in our excitement and fear of losing what little flame we had, a heavily snow-covered bench became their final resting place. :)
It. was. euphoric. And with each addition of a picture or card or ticket stub, the tiny flame grew bigger and brighter, and my heart literally felt lighter and happier with every second. I couldn't believe it!!!
 |
| I have to semi-apologize for this one. But I couldn't help it. This is for me. ME. And if you know him, and this offends you, umm...my face is in those pictures too. :) Like I said before, it wasn't hateful at all. It was just long, long, long over-due. Many happy returns to him and his posterity. Okay? We're good? No? I'll send you chocolate, then. |
I think we lost all feeling in every appendage, but by the time we found Kneaders was open and ordered those delicious Pumpkin Steamers, and started reviewing the pictures Cali had taken...my last feeling of discomfort had finally fled.
I don't care that it took so long. I only care that right then, and right now, in these moments of 2013, I freed myself from the heaviest thing I'd been carrying. And somehow, as I watched that last little flame flicker out on top of that now small pile of ashes...my heart was completely healed. :)
I'm never not doing that again. It was the best new beginning I've EVER had, and I will be telling that story to anyone I ever come across as they're recovering from any kind of heartbreak for the rest of my life. It's proof to me that things really do get better. That eventually, and with the passing of enough time, and with the love of even just one friend, that burden will be gone. Completely. :)
So this summer, if you're ever passing by a bench about halfway up the mountain to the top of the Y in Provo, UT, and you happen to notice the slightest scorch mark on the left side of the top of the bench...maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to have just one little piece of my happy, freeing moment, and maybe it will help you incinerate your own little or big things weighing you down.
And eventually, I'll manage to figure out how to have enough of the little things I miss so much in the midst of my completely changed life; I'll figure out how to do this insane amount of extra the MoTab has brought into my life, and find that balance of gratitude for change and blessings and goodness...because I think I'm finally starting to see a little of my own reflection again when I look at the whole picture. It's the nicest feeling, especially after feeling a little lost for so long. :)
P.S. I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to scorch the bench. It's a small mark, and basically only because the snow melted just enough on that side...
9 comments:
Great post, Dee. I am glad you did what you did. I have been meaning to do the same thing with one of my "boxes." I should just do it. I kind of wanted to throw a party where everyone brings something from their past to burn! haha.
Love you!
Bic lighter. Buy 'em at gas stations. $1.
There was a box like that of mine....Adam made me throw it away before we got married. (And by made, I mean asked really nicely) And it was so silly to me that I didn't want to. But I did and I felt great after :)
YOU ARE MY HERO DEEAURA
High fives all around! What a brilliant way to let go! Here's to a new year and a fresh start for all of us. You are awesome!
Ah. That is what you burned. :) I always have a burning day - the day they get married. Because they ALL have married the next girl they dated after me. :) Very soothing. :)
Love this. You are an amazing person. :)
I liked this post.... that is all I have to say... ha ha.... why am I even posting this comment?
I'm so glad you took the time to document that experience ... I'm so glad I was there to see it first hand! Best moment of our friendship so far!.. and many more to come...
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