the storm

This is my favorite hymn; has been for years. But Sunday morning, as I was sleepily getting ready to leave for Salt Lake at 5:30 in the horrid a.m., I decided to let Pandora choose my Sunday tunes. This arrangement came on, and I fell in love. Thank you, Alex Boye. Combine my favorite words with a beautiful arrangement? Yes please. Now I just need the sheet music so I can play it a million times over on the nearest piano...you know, on those days when...music just makes everything better.

This has been an interesting week when it comes to faith. I've been watching some friends I look up to and love dearly make the decision to leave behind their previous faith for months now, and it really does feel like I'm watching a terrible storm gather right in front of me. This past week the thing I've known for months became known to a lot more people. Their questions and sadness over the situation have reminded me of my own, even though I've been trying to press forward and ignore it all. I love them so very much. I know they feel they are making the best decision for themselves in their own lives, but I am still tied to this faith. I love it, and though I cannot answer all their questions or concerns, in my heart? I could never leave it. I've always somehow just felt the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Have I ever had questions? Of course I have. Have I always found the perfect answer? Well, in a way, yes. But sometimes the perfect answer to my question is to be patient; to wait. So I've learned to do that much. But sometimes I do find the answer in the scriptures or words of the prophets, or in those moments of prayer I can't really explain with words. 

There have been moments I wasn't sure how this storm (if you will) was going to affect even my own surroundings. But knowing what I know, and feeling what I feel have not completely taken away the sadness I have felt for my friends, even though they don't seem to feel that same sadness. 

But in my life, I have found one more source of truth, of comfort, and of help. It is in music. This song came back to my mind this morning, as I've been seeking comfort or direction more singularly this week on the subject. What is my faith? How can I turn this corner and leave these thoughts and feelings behind? My comfort came in the words of this hymn, and my ability to hear it more clearly came in the notes of this beautiful melody. 

I will not doubt, I will not fear;

God’s love and strength are always near.

His promised gift helps me to find

An inner strength and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly

My trust, my prayers, humility.

His Spirit guides; his love assures

That fear departs when faith endures.

I wish I could more accurately explain myself here. For some reason, I've always just felt like the gospel was true. I've definitely encountered the need to find answers to my own questions along the way, but I've always been able to find the answer somewhere along the way. Anytime I take my faith for granted, it tends to show up larger than life, reminding me I need to take care of it or it will slowly fade from my life. I could choose to let it fade. But I don't want to because whenever I think of my life without the light of the gospel in it, the future seems bleak and my purpose seems to disappear even before my mind's eye. 

"Men's hearts shall fail them" is the phrase that keeps ringing through my tired mind this week, and it's something I've always been determined to NOT allow to happen in my life. I will have questions, yes. I know this. I will have doubts. But I will not ever give up. If I've made it 29 years into my life and always eventually found the answers to my questions through the gospel, I can make it another 29 years. And then another 29. For as long as it takes until all the questions we've ever had will one day be answered. I do know that will happen. 

Because if nothing else, I know HE lives. Jesus Christ really is the Son of God, he really did live a perfect life, here on the earth, and He is my ultimate teacher, and the truest friend I will ever know. It is through him and because of Him that I can make it through anything; through everything. Including the unknowns. If there is one thing I do know, it is that He loves us. He can teach me anything I need to know. He understands every doubt, every situation, every fear we will ever have. And in some cases, He may be the only one who can calm the storm. 

So no matter who has doubts, or where those doubts may come from, my one source of information for all those doubts will always come by going to Him. I know He lives, I know He is real, and I know he will always help me find the right answer. 

Snowlust

So this morning instead of waking up to my alarm, I was unceremoniously thrust from my peaceful sleeping dreams by an alert on my phone. 

Normally I'd be extremely upset about such an offense. 

Except the alert was kindly informing me that Brighton resort had 5" of new powder.

It was the most pleasant feeling. 

I love snow. This winter the snow keeps forgetting to fall on the ground, and even the mountains are sad about it. If I can see Timp from my house, it's NOT a good winter.

But knowing there were 5" of new powder somewhere, just waiting for me to silently glide through them today?

I should get a prize for coming to work today.

Just saying.

Bucket List Reality

"God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future - to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities. 

God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

 See that face? I'll be the first to admit that face could've been that happy a couple years ago, but because I was just afraid enough of failure, because I'm stubborn, and because I was convinced I had a better idea for my life, it wasn't. I could go drag you through the past five years of my life and explain every detail of where I could have turned right when instead I chose to turn left; or we could delve into all the psychological reasons I may or may not have chosen the path that was all but laid out in front of me. ...but I won't.

I will say this though: once upon a time I wrote down a life bucket list after I graduated from college. I remember exactly where I was: just outside my Mission President's office in Nauvoo where He and I had just talked extensively about the future...scratch that...my future. The list wasn't all-inclusive by any means, but some things were pretty practical while others were such a shot in the dark I considered them laughable. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit becoming a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was one of those list items I actually didn't think would ever come to pass. :) Silly me, apparently.

Along the way, I've found some paths I decided were "good enough" rather than the original crazy bucket list item I'd written down. They were just distracting enough to explore. But every time I went with the "good enough" option...let's just say I think Heavenly Father lets us explore "good enough" options, but He loves us enough to deny us the "good enough" and keep encouraging us toward the dream option. Because, as Elder Holland says..."he is waiting to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams...." but we have to believe they're actually possible.

I didn't know how literal that statement/promise was until this past year. But suffice it to say, minus the long descriptive post this COULD be, Heavenly Father needs us to really believe in our own dreams and work for them so He can help them become reality. Sometimes my so-called logical side tries to take over far too much, and I avoid the dream because...well...it's probably just too good to be true. ...Right?

We were asked to introduce ourselves to the directors and small group last night, and they had us pick one cool thing we would want everybody to know about us. Well, I think it threw all of us off because...probably the coolest recent thing for all of us was the fact we were sitting in that room. So in my brain scramble, I admitted I wanted to run a marathon this year. Because...well, MoTab: check. The next thing on the list was a  marathon. I had no choice...

Last night was the first night of choir school, and in April/May it'll be official. If it wasn't a New Year's resolution of mine to BELIEVE God really can and will answer all our prayers and dreams...it is now. It seemed so surreal to sit in that room with the 17 women and 22 men who made it with me this year; I had to keep pinching myself, and fyi...Ryan Murphy was so a few feet from me. But I digress. Wanna know the coolest part about it all?

It was 100% reality. :)

Merry Christmas, Rodney

Last night was one of those nights I wasn't sure was going to work out all that well.

Per the usual, I had overlapping events.

This is not because I don't know how to say no. It's not.

It's just because I think I can do everything all the time.

Right?

So I might've been an hour late to a work party last night....

and they might have been waiting on me for my portion of the food.

Oops.

But I have a really good reason.

This week is our dark week (week without shows) for Savior of the World because the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert is this week. 

So instead of shows, there have been a few service/fireside opportunities.

Last night, we met at a care center in Pleasant Grove to sing and do a program for the residents. 

They were so beautiful.

It's always fun for me to go and sing anywhere, doing most anything.

But there's something extra special to me about singing in rest homes.

Last night was no exception. At the end of the program, we closed with "Silent Night" and started moving out into the audience to find someone to sing to/sit by while we sang the song. I went straight to Rodney. I'd met him at the very beginning of the night. He was sitting quietly by the door, just minding his own business, but I decided I wanted to know who he was. We had a nice, albeit brief, chat before the program started. But at the end of the program, I knew exactly who I wanted to sit by. I walked back to him, and there was only just barely enough room for me to kneel in front of him, and just hold his hand. He was so happy to have someone near! I couldn't help but cry, and he sang right along with me, with a clear, happy twinkle in his eye. His hands were shaking the whole time, but his happiness was so strong in that moment. I haven't felt that much love and pure joy in a long time, and it was just  from holding Rodney's hand and singing "Silent Night" with him. 

He might not know it, but I just love him. He changed my night, and suddenly the busyness of my little life lately just melted away and everything became completely worth it. He helped me FEEL a little more of the love of my Heavenly Father, and of the reality of our Savior's birth.

I told him Merry Christmas before I left, and thanked him for letting me sit with him.

He took my hand, looked right up at me, and said, 

"Merry Christmas, and a cool yule to you too, Dee." 

(We were on a friend name basis by then, of course.) 

First he made me cry, and then he made me laugh. 

Someone please explain the miracle of service to me. Sometimes I think I know what it means, and then I feel like I have to rediscover it all over again. I gave him next to nothing, but it came back to me ten-fold. There wasn't even room enough to receive it. Sound familiar?

I think my heart grew three sizes last night, and I'm not even the Grinch. ;)

I left wishing I could shout "Merry Christmas!" from every rooftop.

Oh, and I'm moving on Saturday because Heavenly Father answers prayers...so I won't be homeless. :)

Just fyi.

So, the end of November came, and then my life turned up-side-down.

Gratitude will change your life.

At least that's my conclusion after a month of doing my best to focus on it, and then seeing what it did to my life....

The last two days of November consisted of a sudden influx of interviews. For new jobs.

I've been officially looking since August, and had a few bites, but nothing was sticking yet.

Until November was about to be over, and apparently that's when everything was supposed to change.

November was my last month of working for EFY.

At first, that made me incredibly sad. Four years didn't really fly by, but there are some people in that office that feel like family to me. AND I had to say goodbye to all the teachers, which may have broken my heart more than theirs, but...it really was tough to say goodbye.

Uh...until I'm sitting here a week after accepting a new job and I'm ALREADY breathing easier, and I won't be scraping by from paycheck to paycheck anymore.

Freaking finally.

In the mess of all the hubbub, I also sold my apartment contract.

My home is beautiful, and my roommates are the nicest.

But I kept feeling like I should move, though I had no idea where I'd move.

I finally followed through. (go me.)

And my contract sold THAT DAY.

So in one day, I accepted a new job (at BYU, in the Registration department...that's the short version) and sold the roof over my head.

I still have no idea where I'll be living in January. Zero, zilch. Nada. 

Um, are you reeling yet? Because I was.

Sometimes I think Heavenly Father likes to see me freak out. He finds it entertaining because HE knows it's all going to turn out, but good grief.

Savior of the World is still the best idea in my life at Christmastime. I'm so incredibly grateful for how it continues to change my life by strengthening my testimony. I'm not sure words alone could ever express how much I love the combination of music...and the gospel. 

Speaking of which, I start MoTab on January 5th. That's so soon!

 With change always comes the bittersweet. First, I left some incredible co-workers of four years (whom I do not have pictures of...DANG IT.) and then my roommates and fellow friends from the ward will all be different come January 1. 

But meanwhile, we've gone to so many freezing Christmas light displays, and had such fun...I'm grateful I got to spend some time with these crazy kids. :) 

And I just have to give a shout out to Miss Whitney here. This girl is made of gold, ladies and gents. She has more positive energy than I can even comprehend sometimes, but I have learned so much from her in this run of the show! She loves life, and loves the gospel even more. 

My new co-workers are taking me out for Thai food today. 

YUM.

My little sister has a concert tonight in SL just before my show, and I'll actually get to see most of it!

I love my new job.

Prayers are getting answered ALL OVER THE PLACE...

The only thing left is finding a new roof over my head, preferably in the next week or so since...I don't think a cardboard box will be very warm in Januray.

I'm pretty sure that prayer will be answered as well, but...ah, if only patience came now! 

hahahah.

Ahem.

But really...

Welcome, December. EVERYTHING is different. 

...And not a moment too soon...

Day 27 and 28. Did you order Chinese?

Um, I'm doing one thing for both days because I had this for dinner last night and then for lunch today, and I can't get ENOUGH of it.

Egg drop soup. Homemade. Yummy in my tummy. It adds to appeal that it took about 5 minutes to make. 

It also makes me want to watch "Two Weeks Notice"

Also, I really need a Chinese delivery place I can call and ask for two #7s and four #3s. 

The only downside is it made me miss Cali. AGAIN. :) Cal, remember all those times we went for our favorite Cache Valley Chinese?

P.S. I'm sending you happy thoughts of fried rice. I know how you love it, especially these days ;)

Ahhhhhh....yum. :)

hahah...I know. It's terrible. But I kept laughing about it all day yesterday...

Did you order Chinese?

Okay, I'm sorry. That's enough of me today.

P.S. For those who wanted the recipe, It's pretty complicated. :)
You just need to buy a packet of this:

That's Sun-Bird Egg Drop Soup Mix. I found mine at the local Macey's grocery store.
I think the mix is maybe $2. Maybe.

Are you sick of my gratitude yet?

Day 24

Thanksgiving day was fantastic. I came home Wednesday night to my dad making homemade bread and homemade ham & cheese rolls...and we all stayed up eating them and laughing around the kitchen table until...who even knows. Maybe 2 or 3 in the a.m. 

I went on a run that morning, and reminded my body how long it had been since I'd gone running. Oops. But I'm still grateful I can run. :) 

Did I mention Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday? Well it is. 

Day 24 merges with Day 25 though, because...

Day 25

We stayed up way too late watching Thor and Captain America. I officially can't wait for The Avengers. 

 I didn't work out at all that day. We all fell asleep on mattresses in the front room. It was the best time I've had with my family in a long time. My dad made a mountain of pancakes for breakfast. 

My mom told me to paint a picture of what I want in my life, and to go for it. It doesn't matter how old I get, I still have to keep figuring it out. * sigh *  It was a bummer to leave them to go do the show that night...

Except I still love every single night of that show.

Aaand Whitney, Suellen, Kristen and I might have had our favorite pizza at The Pie that night after the show. Mmmm...thank you, Salt Lake. :)

Day 26

My whole family came to Savior of the World today. It was so nice to have them there! We ate dinner at The Blue Lemon afterward (SO good) and there might have been gingerbread hot chocolate outside in the cold, and I might have loved every sip. So fantastic. 

Day 27

"The blessings of the spirit are found just outside your comfort zone."

Those were the words I desperately needed to hear today as I sat in sacrament meeting at church. It's not scripture, just someone's words. But I needed them. So many times in my life, I've found myself almost ready to take that leap for whatever my next goal is. But every now and again, that creepy comfort zone comes in and, admittedly, makes change seem next to impossible.

I also met a 19-year-old girl who talked to me about how she was nervous to change her life direction. She had been going to beauty school but decided she wanted to keep that as a hobby and go back to school and get her degree in something else. It was so easy to assure her that things WOULD work out...that changing your direction doesn't mean you're behind. It was one of those moments that my own personal experience helped me assure her that her changes would work out. It wasn't until we were done talking that I realized where that came from. It wasn't just me. It was the spirit assuring me she'd be okay, and for some reason I was privileged enough to be the one to tell her.

I didn't mean to, but later in the meeting I saw her writing that our conversation was an answer to her prayers. I felt bad even seeing that, but it made me want to cry. Haha. In a good way. 

Then this scripture was mentioned later on in the meeting...

"And now verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you."

Doctrine & Covenants 61:36

And then I realized that conversation hadn't just been for her. It had been for me too. Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be afraid to change things if I need to. He doesn't want any of us to be afraid. He doesn't want any of us to forget that he really has us in his sight. 

To top it all off, I actually had time to write in my journal today. That hasn't happened in...longer than I care to admit. It always makes me feel better about life and...reminds me to stop freaking out about the stupid stuff. :) It reminds me that Heavenly Father truly does love us. 

Everything will work out.