Wednesday sanity break: take one.

I'm not sure what to write about next. Getting back into the blogging habit may take some practice.

I could write about choir stuff. That's a lot of material.

I could write about my birthday this year, the one where I turned 30 in Hawaii and it was FANTASTIC and introspective and beautiful and weird and imperfectly perfect, and I fell in love with the North Shore.

I could write about dating lately and how it's weird and feels foreign and kind of...like a prosthetic limb. Something I used to have and know how to use, but now I just...kind of don't like it? I'd rather hang out with somebody I already truly enjoy and laugh at their stupid jokes and random sense of humor instead of get all dressed up for somebody I don't know at all and end up faking a meaningless conversation over dinner. That's not always how it happens, but there's definitely something backward about all of this and I'm OVER IT! And that out-of-character allowance I made a couple weeks ago? Good crap, am I 19 and stupid all over again? No. No no no no no no no. Apparently I was not made for random dating.

And maybe today I came across this and I DIED laughing:

When you go back to visit your family's ward and everyone asks if you're dating someone:

Let's just continue laughing at that until our abs hurt and then never ever mistake this joke for having any sad undertones. 

Or I could tell you about how some days my job makes me want to crawl under the desk and hide, but also the students who work for me are TO DIE FOR hilarious. I feel like they just discovered hashtags the other day, and it's super funny and almost childlike adorable every time they use one. My favorite times are when the quiet ones bust out something that makes me laugh from my gut. best. ever. 

Or I could write about a billion other things, but right now I'm just making it through my work day, trying to patiently answer ten billion questions, and I can't wait until exactly 5:00 p.m. so I can go home and not answer another question for the rest of the night. I think I'm going to pantomime every communication until I go to bed. Sounds HEAVENLY. 

I told you this would take some practice. Legitimate post coming again soon. Maybe on Saturday or something. 

The box.

Oh, my poor blog.

There's so much I should write here from the past year or so...much like if I had neglected my journal for a year (I have...for the first time since I was eight years old) there's just no smooth way to catch up. But I think this post might do some justice to all the time I've let pass in recording my life. Such a realization is not quite so dramatic when considering a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months. But I basically stopped recording my LIFE and my thoughts this whole past year...and after actually sitting down with myself and really thinking about it, I think it comes down to two things:

1. I became busy beyond belief this past year. Becoming a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has been the crowning challenge of my life so far. That might sound incredibly wussy. But being involved in this experience takes at minimum 20 hours out of my week every week. Factor in my full-time job, and let's not forget the importance of a social life as a single adult in this fabulous Mormon culture. That's to say nothing of having time to go on a run or go to the gym or read my scriptures or whatever else. It's all about priorities you say? Yeah, that's what I used to say too. Now I just give myself a thumbs up if I manage to accomplish half of the things I used to be able to accomplish in a day. See how much of that year has MoTab written all over it? I could've made one entirely of the choir, but I already made this one and I'm too lazy to prove my point further. :)

2. For better or worse, I may not wear my heart on my sleeve, but when it gets broken, I guess I kind of have to hide away until enough time has passed that I feel it's healed enough for normal interactions again. I envy those people who can bounce back after a week or a month or even a few months. That would be oh so nice. But if I'm really all in, I'm basically an emotional wreck for an undetermined amount of time. Trust me, I find this far more annoying than anyone else ever could. I can be cool on the surface, but I'm pathetically broken. I'm still waiting for the day that doesn't happen. You know, if I just had more faith or prayed harder or whatever. Sometimes life is just hard and things just hurt. All we can do is do what we can and keep trying to move forward, right?

And that's more than enough baggage for one post - at least more than this blog has seen in quite some time. ;) What I'm here to do today is tell you about the best beginning of a new year I've ever had to this point in my life. 2012 was incredible, but there were definitely things I'd rather forget forever and ever.

But January 1, 2013 was a day I will never forget.

I woke up incredibly late in the day because I'd stayed up way too...early...the morning before. All in the name of celebrating time passing...something I'm simply not built for anymore. Gone are the days I could eat an entire pan full of brownies and stay up 'til 3 a.m. watching Gilmore Girls. (Am I right, or am I right...) Much to my personal chagrin.

But as I lay there in my bed, contemplating the good and frustrating events of the past year, I had a lot of different ideas about the coming year. Sometimes I get annoyed about my seeming lack of control over the events of my life. SO much seems subject to timing; something I'm still struggling to accept. :)

And then a glorious thought occurred to me. There was one thing lurking in a hidden corner of my room that I COULD control!! I jumped out of bed, and opened the door under the stairs where I have a few handy rubbermaid totes full of crap I don't understand why I still possess. You know: efy shirts from eight years of polo accrual, that scrapbook I made my freshman year of college that sort of looks like a kindergartner made it, (That means it's adorable.) and other equally treasured objects. Finally, at the bottom of the tote, there it was.

The box.

It's the box I used to put cards, notes, letters, pictures, ticket stubs, and any other small memorabilia after a breakup. The boyfriend box. Better termed the breakup box.

Said box had been emptied of all previous contents a few years before, but one breakup's contents had been deposited about a year after it was emptied. It was like looking at shattered pieces of my heart sitting in the bottom of a shoe box. Totally and completely pathetic.

Anytime before that whenever I'd come across the box (usually only when I was moving to a different place, or doing some kind of deep cleaning) I'd get sidetracked, and end up sitting on the floor, reading through all the good memories, the nice things he said before, and all the pictures from fun things we'd done. And I'd end up feeling sad and angry all over again. But I couldn't even bear to actually get rid of those things before. It made me even more sad. So I'd shove it all in the box, and hide it under piles of colorful polos I'll never wear again and the crappy college freshman memorabilia. :)

But on January 1, 2013, I took that box OUTTA the tote. And I didn't open it. I didn't even have one iota of desire to crack the lid. What I did have was the most fantastic idea of all time. I was going to burn it all.

That right, I said burn.

Now don't get me wrong. This wasn't a hateful burning. It wasn't even remotely crazy, and I had no voo-doo doll intentions, etc. :) I haven't thought about said relationship in a long time. But why on EARTH was I keeping letters and pictures and love notes from the guy who was now someone else's husband? No, this was merely a desire to clean out what was no longer even remotely necessary for my life.

And I couldn't wait. :)

I texted my good friend Cali, who (bless her heart) knew every detail of that past relationship. She excitedly celebrated with me when we started dating, and cried broken-hearted tears with me when it ended. I wanted her to be a part of watching those ashes blow away in the wind. If she could stomach it at all. ;)

The plan was to hike Y mountain, even though it was covered in snow and it was FREEZING outside. We were going to hike to the top of that snow-covered Y and burn those memories into oblivion.

I've never been so excited in my LIFE. At least not this kind of excited. :)

The appointed time arrived, and after purchasing what would henceforth be labeled the world's worst $4 lighter, (to be discovered later) we drove to the trailhead. It was dark by then, but the sky was clear and the stars were perfect; with the lights from the city already far enough below us to appear magical. It was exhilarating.

Okay, and it was also freezing. But the trail is basically vertical for the first little bit, so after a few switchbacks, I was ready to rip off my snowpants and coat just for a few moments of cool reprieve. Lucky for Cali and whatever creatures may have been lurking in the dark bushes, I managed to remain clothed.

Remember the plan to go to the top? Yeah, I threw that one right out the window after about the fourth switchback. This particular stopping point was fantastic enough - a perfect view, a little bench, and a small clearing just off the regular path.

After about 10 frostbitten minutes of trying to make the $4 lighter work, we finally got enough of a flame to start burning ticket stubs. And that's where it began. I'd dug a little pit in the snow to burn it all in, initially, but in our excitement and fear of losing what little flame we had, a heavily snow-covered bench became their final resting place. :)

It. was. euphoric. And with each addition of a picture or card or ticket stub, the tiny flame grew bigger and brighter, and my heart literally felt lighter and happier with every second. I couldn't believe it!!!

Why had I waited so long?! At Cali's suggestion, my handy iphone played T-Swift and her ranting "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee are Never ever EVER EVER ever ever ever (insert as many evers as you want) getting back togetherrrrrrr!!" lyrics bounced off the snow-covered mountains. I could've given the burning song a little more thought, but this was probably actually perfect for the circumstance. No sad story songs or whiny diatribes for this moment. It was just the right touch of ridiculous for what was totally freeing up space in my heart.

I have to semi-apologize for this one. But I couldn't help it. This is for me. ME. And if you know him, and this offends you, umm...my face is in those pictures too. :) Like I said before, it wasn't hateful at all. It was just long, long, long over-due. Many happy returns to him and his posterity. Okay? We're good? No? I'll send you chocolate, then. 

Cali managed to capture some pretty important moments of our celebration, but I think nothing will ever match that feeling of relief and happy euphoria. FREEDOM!! Goodness, I know. But on the way back down the mountain, we talked about why we hadn't done that earlier. Cali reminded me how sad I'd been. I'm glad I waited so that experience could be fun and happy and freeing. :) It just wouldn't have been the same if I'd shed a single sad tear.

I think we lost all feeling in every appendage, but by the time we found Kneaders was open and ordered those delicious Pumpkin Steamers, and started reviewing the pictures Cali had taken...my last feeling of discomfort had finally fled.

I don't care that it took so long. I only care that right then, and right now, in these moments of 2013, I freed myself from the heaviest thing I'd been carrying. And somehow, as I watched that last little flame flicker out on top of that now small pile of ashes...my heart was completely healed. :)

I'm never not doing that again. It was the best new beginning I've EVER had, and I will be telling that story to  anyone I ever come across as they're recovering from any kind of heartbreak for the rest of my life. It's proof to me that things really do get better. That eventually, and with the passing of enough time, and with the love of even just one friend, that burden will be gone. Completely. :)

So this summer, if you're ever passing by a bench about halfway up the mountain to the top of the Y in Provo, UT, and you happen to notice the slightest scorch mark on the left side of the top of the bench...maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to have just one little piece of my happy, freeing moment, and maybe it will help you incinerate your own little or big things weighing you down.

And eventually, I'll manage to figure out how to have enough of the little things I miss so much in the midst of my completely changed life; I'll figure out how to do this insane amount of extra the MoTab has brought into my life, and find that balance of gratitude for change and blessings and goodness...because I think I'm finally starting to see a little of my own reflection again when I look at the whole picture. It's the nicest feeling, especially after feeling a little lost for so long. :)

P.S. I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to scorch the bench. It's a small mark, and basically only because the snow melted just enough on that side...

And who says the movies aren't real life?

Last weekend my roommate and I got sucked into one of the worst films ever made: 

Twilight. 

Specifically the second one. 

I know. But it was on TV, we were super tired, and suddenly there we were: watching it. Dying just a little more on the inside every time Kristen Stewart opens her mouth to say something. I will even admit to DVRing the entire thing so we could fast forward through the commercials. This, however, had its advantages when Jacob so gallantly swoops in and saves Bella from that nasty cut on her head by ripping his shirt off and dabbing her forehead. Because we were so prepared, this meant we could laugh over and over and over again every time we played that scene. Best worst thing I've ever seen. :)

She's so dumb. And the movie is horrendous. Have I mentioned that yet? 

This particular scene was somewhat funny at the time, but only marginally so, and we didn't go back to watch it again like the aforementioned scene. But if only I had known the real-life application I was about to encounter the following week...

As I innocently perused some photos today in search of something particular so as to prove a point in a contest of opinions I was having with a friend., I cam across this gem and maybe I peed a little. So it's at a ward activity, and is not entirely what it looks like, but...

GUYS. We clearly don't give Hollywood enough credit. 

I realize how stunning I look in this picture. Let's ignore my facial expression, and focus on the comic relief of the moment.  They even both look a little like vampires with their red eye. I, however, am an infinitely better actress than lame-face Bella. Just for the record. But that's because I can do that with my face, and she...can't. 

Last November I found something to be grateful for every day, and it was kind of great. This November (though it may be a day late) I'll try to do that again, but I feel like this can count for two things because...hey, there are two pictures here, AND a horrible movie clip. 

And who isn't grateful for that kind of goodness? 

Happy freakin' Friday. 

Dinner-in-a-pumpkin. Or Jack-o-lantern innards. Or Pumpkin Dinner. Whatever you want to call it. I'm drooling just thinking about it...

Yesterday, I finally got to make my favorite fall meal. My grandma is the one I credit this culinary masterpiece GOODNESS with, but it has since become a favorite in my family, and I've done my utmost to bring every roommate I've ever had over to the enlightened side. 

So now, in celebration of my happiness of yesterday, here's a little food story. With instructions for creation, if desired. Also, we watched Pirates of Penzance while we waited and I'm positively positive that only added to my sheer joy. Kevin Kline is my all-time favorite, and Gilbert & Sullivan are genius in comic opera form. Don't knock it 'til you try it, and be prepared to listen and laugh, laugh, laugh. Here's a tiny clip for you:

Okay, moving on to pumpkin dinner goodness. 

How to partake of fall goodness, pre-Pilgrims and Indians style:

Purchase a pumpkin about the size of the bowl you would use to serve however many you're serving. To serve four of us last night, I bought one about the size of a child's bowling ball, and we had some leftovers. Just remember, the bigger the pumpkin, the longer it will have to cook. 

Wash off the pumpkin and put it in a preheated oven at 450. You'll cut it open and clean it out pretty soon, but not yet. 

Meanwhile, cook a package of hamburger (or turkey burger) and simultaneously put about two cups of rice on to cook. 

Add onions, celery salt, and onion powder to the meat while it's cooking. You can add garlic in as well unless you're completely opposed. I have used dehydrated onions and fresh onions, and both are just as good. As soon as the meat starts to brown, lightly cover the meat in Worcestershire sauce, and allow it to keep cooking, turning the heat down lower so it will take in the flavor a little more as it cooks. After the heat is lower, put about 2T of brown sugar in the meat and mix it in. A dash of sage is also REALLY good in this, I just usually don't have it on hand, but it's SO good. If you haven't caught on by now, the meat is the focus here. Get as much fall flavor in there as possible, and let it simmer. If you cook it too high, the sugar will start for form a sort of sticky syrup and that's going a little far. If it's too thick, add more Worcestershire sauce, and if it's too liquidy, let it cook out a bit. 

At this point, pull the pumpkin out of the oven, and carefully (with a hot pad on the stem) cut it open and hollow it out. You can hollow it out before you start cooking it, but I've found this way to be easier to clean it out and keep it cooking while you prepare all the other ingredients. Your end goal with this pumpkin is to have it completely cooked through so the sides will scrape out with the rice mixture in the end. 

Combine the meat and rice in a bowl with two cans of Cream of Mushroom soup and 3-4 cups of shredded cheese. (I've used all cheddar before, but half cheddar, half smoked gouda is to DIE for.) The cheese is your choice. Combine everything together, and scoop as much as possible into the pumpkin. Don't be afraid to fill it all the way to the top. Put the pumpkin lid back on, and put the whole thing back in the oven. 

The oven should still be at 450 at this point, but depending on your oven, you'll want to watch it and turn it down if necessary. It should cook like this for about 60-80 minutes. About halfway through, I usually turn the oven down to 350, especially if the top is burning. It's just fine for the outside of the pumpkin to get pretty dark. 

I'll check on it every 30 min or so and just poke it with a fork to assess the done-ness of the pumpkin. :) Once it's done, take it out, and carefully cut a jack-o-lantern face in the skin of the pumpkin. (it should peel off easily by now) Put the finished product on a serving plate/platter, and voila! Culinary masterpiece!

Serve with salt and pepper, and even though it might sound weird, MAPLE SYRUP. Trust me on this one, especially if you like sweet and salty combos. It's to die for. When you scoop the rice/hamburger mixture out of the pumpkin, make sure to scrape pumpkin out with it. That's the whole point. 

Once you're done eating all this fall goodness, if you happen to have leftovers, just peel the skin off the pumpkin and thank yourself the next day when you have the most delicious leftovers before Thanksgiving. Ever. 

The end. And you're welcome. Also, I'm sorry I cook this way and the recipe below is somewhat less than specific. But that's part of the adventure here...make it the way you like it. That way you can't tell me it's too salty or too sweet. You have to taste as you go. It's basically required.

1 child-sized bowling ball pumpkin

2 cups cooked rice

1 package hamburger or turkey burger

2 cans cream of mushroom soup

2-4 cups of cheddar/smoked gouda cheese

Worcestershire Sauce

2 T brown sugar

celery salt

Onions (dehydrated or fresh minced)

onion powder

salt and pepper

maple syrup

1 knife for cutting and slicing and playing Joker on the pumpkin

1 spoon for scraping out innards. 

Yes, this is how I come back after almost two months of blogger silence.

Pardon my rant. 

"Hi, boys! I'm best friend girl. Talk to me about anything and everything. But most of all, please. Constantly ask me to set you up with my beautiful friends."

REALLY?

I think I'm flattered on some level that you think I'm approachable enough to ask me for...a date with my friend.

I think.

So until now, I've usually obliged to paving the way for guys who want a date with a friend of mine.
Unless I think it's the worst idea ever.
But at the end of the day, 90% of the time...why oh why does it bother me?

It has been bothering me that I can't figure out why it bothers me.
It's not like I necessarily want a date with you.
No, that's not it.
Though, let's be honest, if you'd ever asked, I probably would have gone on a date with you.
But instead, I just get to hear about all your dating woes.
Which is what friends do.
But HONESTLY.

Dudes, get a clue. If you want a date with a beautiful girl, man up and ask her for it yourself.

I am not your gateway to hot girl dates.

Eventually, I will phase you out if all you're doing is asking me for dates with my friends.
A) Because no self-respecting girl puts up with that for long.
and B) Because you're supposed to be the man.

If you don't have her number, but you find out about her by stalking her on the fb because we're in pictures together, I invite you to use the "message" feature so nicely built in to fb. Just a suggestion.

Don't put me in the middle of it.

And no. I don't think I care if she thinks you're a crazy stalker because you found her on facebook.

There's a strong possibility you're not the first guy to think she's attractive, nor will you be the last.

Eventually I'm gonna punch one of you and then feel really bad about it afterward.
Don't label me the crazy girl when it was your pansy approach to dating that got us here in the first place.
"Here" being the part where I punch you for being a moron.

Yeah, hitting publish now.
Because that's what normal, happy, well-adjusted folks do: rant on the blog, and then publish it.

Mmmm-hmmm.


Dude version:

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Stop asking me to set you up with my friends or I will sucker-punch you.

cake. bites.

This girl needs to go grocery shopping.

Pretend you need proof, and behold: my breakfast this morning.

I know cake bites are not meant for breakfast. But I haaaaaaate grocery shopping...I just want to pay and watch all the healthy stuff appear in my cupboards. 

Then I'd GLADLY refrain from the cake bites. 

...at least for breakfast....

Friend Suggestions! Updates! Stay Connected!

Social Media is super helpful these days.

They give suggestions all the time.

I like suggestions.

Except when they tell me I should consider being friends with an ex-boyfriend.

That's a terrible suggestion.

Hi! You should request friendship with the guy who picked somebody else, or the guy who turned out to be a giant d-bag!!! WE THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA!!

I'm pretty sure I can make that decision for myself...

And for the record, I am "friends" with certain ex-boyfriends.

Um...but...that doesn't mean I want/need to know every time they "like" Amazon, or...well...

So this came to my email this morning.

And this is how my brain translated it:

Social media needs relationship filters. 

And REALLY??? His face needed to be the big, top one????

Goo. 

I know. I could solve all of this by just disconnecting from said individuals on social media sites of all kinds.

That's not the point.

On the other hand, all the other people in this picture are wonderful and quite nice looking.

That's all. Carry on.

Oh. And sorry I said d-bag on my blog.