Running to Stand Still

ENDURE. to hold out against; sustain without impairment or yielding; undergo

Sometimes you might find yourself in a situation totally and completely beyond your control. If you ever have found yourself in such a place, then you might know about how I was feeling when I saw this word. More sleepless nights than I care to admit with more worries than I care to dwell on long enough to explain them have contributed to where I found myself in that moment. It was work, it was my personal life, it was love, it choices, it was the 1000% desire to move on, to be free of the stupid tears and stress. To stop treading lightly and to be able to feel strong again. I was willing the tears to just stop and gave up being able to do it on my own, so I closed my eyes to pray for the millionth time for some kind of deliverance.

There it was, just lying on the ground right in front of me. Just a piece of paper someone had dropped. It had literally been on the ground at my feet for the past 10 minutes, but I'd just barely seen it. I was frustrated, and tired of fighting something I felt like should be long, long in the past - no longer hurting me or anyone else I knew. Sometimes getting through difficult things feels more like clawing your way out of a deep, dark pit of despair. A pit of despair you're not even sure you know what you did to get into in the first place; but regardless...there you are.

ENDURE. to bear without resistance or with patience; tolerate

Gah! Are you sick of that word yet?! Me too. But hang in there with me for a few more minutes.I'm not kidding. In that very moment, I was so far beyond any light shed on the situation, and was starting to wonder if I would ever find anything more, or if I was just going to have to be content with partial misery for a undetermined about of time. Longer. That's all I kept getting. That's all I knew. Insert appropriate words of frustration < here >. I felt like everything I had been doing was just...total and complete crap. Was I really expected to keep doing this?! REALLY??

ENDURE. to continue to exist; to last

* sigh * Yep. I think so. I think I'm expected to keep going anyway. Even if it seems completely unfair and I just want to stop. And yell. And demand that justice be dealt! I felt like Lucy in Peanuts, only let's put her in the fetal position...yeah. That's a little more accurate. (google doesn't have my particular vision, but I'm certain you can fill in the blanks.) Angry, frustrated, and just begging for deliverance.

ENDURE. to support adverse force or influence of any kind; suffer without yielding; suffer patiently

I was in tears. So unbelievably tired of that stupid feeling. But the more I looked at that word: ENDURE ...the softer and more tender it started to appear to my eyes, and to my heart. Instead of making me feel like a 5-year-old, temper-tantrum-throwing...grownup (haha) it started to feel like a warm blanket of comfort combined with the arms of someone who loves you more than anybody else. The kind of security everybody needs, and I found it in that moment...in a word I usually detest.

I finally picked the piece of paper up instead of staring at it, and just held it. Deep breaths. Wipe the tears away. A few more deep breaths. ...and okay, a lot more tears. But I just held onto that word.

ENDURE. to have or gain continued or lasting acknowledgment or recognition, as of worth, merit or greatness

I finally found the comfort I was seeking. It seemed like the worst answer in the world at first, but I'm slowly coming around to the tender and the mercy of what it really means to endure. It's not so scary and demanding all of a sudden. It's even loving.

ENDURE. please don't think I'm crazy. :) 

 So then we fast forward to about a month later, and I'm about to run a Half Marathon. Let's pretend you don't know me NOW, and you only knew me say...10 years ago. That girl? She didn't run half marathons. Hahahah! In FACT...she didn't RUN at all. She stayed away from that dirty word, thanks very much. But life has a funny way of changing us, doesn't it? So there I was, 10 years older and hopefully wiser...(wiser could be exchanged for crazy and still be a compliment here.)...running 13.1 miles. That's a lot of time to run, and...a lot of time to think.


I was between mile 5 and 6, running fine (it wasn't really all that hard yet) and approaching a turn. It was still in the distance, but I could see the corner, and the arrow pointing me in the right direction once I arrived there. As I ran and got closer and closer to the turn, my brain started to transform this into a life lesson. Shocker. (I told you I had a lot of time to think, right? Okay then.)

 "I wonder if anyone is ever tempted to turn left," quips my inner slightly sarcastic self. Haha. If I turned left instead of right, that would be stupid. Nobody is going to turn the opposite direction of the arrow. DUH. Someone came on this course ahead of time and clearly marked where I would need to go in order to accomplish my goal of finishing the race. Oh, sure, If I turned left, I could still run 13.1 miles, but knowing when I had done so would become a little more difficult. AND I would have no idea where I was when I finished...AND no one I knew and loved would be at this ambiguous finish line. If I turned right, like the arrow said, I would eventually arrive at the grand finish: goal accomplished, safe arrival, friendly faces, without question.

That's easy on a race course. So then why did I beg so often to my Heavenly Father for Him to let me turn left when He has already told me I just need to turn right, and keep going...He'll keep letting me know when to turn, where to go...so I can accomplish the goal; arrive at the destination He has promised for me, and the place I truly want to be. He said to turn right, I know I should turn right. So why am I weeping over my desire to turn left?!

ENDURE!

My new word friend resurfaces at just the right time. And in a race, that word means even more. It means I can make it...I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if I'm at mile 10 and the blister on my left foot is killing me, and the pain in my right calf would make a grown man cry. If I stop now, I won't make it to my goal. I can slow down if I need to...grab a banana, dump that Gatorade down my throat, take a quick squirt of whatever that muscle relaxing gel is...and keep going forward. In a few more minutes, I'll care less about the blister, the muscle in my calf will relax enough, and my energy will kick up just enough to keep me going. I can do this. Even if  I look terrible in every picture the photographers took on the trail. Let's have the fact I shared this picture with you stand as a testimony to my confidence, m'kay? Anyway.


ENDURE.

This is where DeeAura sits down with herself (metaphorically speaking, of course, since we are clearly still running. Yes, I just referred to myself as more than one entity. Put away your psycho babble. We've got this.) :) How is this race different from your life right now? It's not. Put away your hurt. Put away the doubts and fears you keep allowing to resurface without fighting back with all your faith and knowledge that in spite of everything, YOU CAN DO THIS! The problems will always arise. They will. That's part of the challenge. It's a piece of the puzzle. It's part of the WHOLE POINT of life. Isn't it? Yeah, it is.

"And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by teh word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith teh Father: Ye shall have eternal life."  

(2 Ne. 31:19–20.)

There's nothing passive about that word. It is active, it means joy comes as we learn to conquer our obstacles, not simply put up with them out of duty, or because we think we have no other choice. Brigham Young said, "Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation." (Discourses of Brigham Young, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1954, p. 345.)  

Elder Neal A. Maxwell follows that up by saying "Such a perspective enables us, even in the most pressing of circumstances, to pass the breaking point without breaking, having casue to be bitter - as men measure cause - without being bitter." (A Time to Choose, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1972, p. 42.) 

“Enduring to the end requires our whole heart or, as the Book of Mormon prophet Amaleki teaches, we must “come unto him, and offer our whole souls as an offering unto him, and continue in fasting and praying, and endure to the end; and as the Lord liveth we will be saved.” (Omni 1:26) Those who endure are balanced, consistent, humble, constantly improving, and without guile. Their testimony is not based on worldly reasons—it is based on truth, knowledge, experience, and the Spirit.” 

- Joseph B. Wirthlin

Just like running required everything I had to give physically and mentally...so enduring the challenges of life requires what may seem to be our every ounce of strength. But if the feeling of arriving at that finish line and knowing I really accomplished what I set out to do is even an ounce of what it will feel like to know I did what Heavenly Father wanted me to do in this life, then to endure whatever pain there is now is 1000% worth it. I need to remember that every second of every day.

Maybe that's why I kept that piece of paper and it's in my scriptures where I'll see it every day when I refuel on the only thing I know will get me through anything. Because I don't need to write down how easy it is to forget. I need to see it every day so I remember to keep going.

Also, I finished the race in 2h:33m. I'm not fast, but I wasn't last by any means, AND I still did it. 

Enduring has its rewards. :)